Now to say that admitting this in a public yet not entirely public way is going to quite embarrassing for me. So try if you may not to laugh your face off at this post…or do…but this is truly a musing of 21 nearly 22 year old female and so-called dilemmas that I am facing….why this post? Well of course this is my confessional. I’m posting it all out there the good the bad and the ugly about myself! And one of these confessions is today’s blurb of the day and nearly 22 years in the making…I have never been kissed *le gasp!*.
Now dear someone reading this you may ask why a 22 year old has never been kissed! And in thinking this you make come to the conclusion that I have giant tusks and trunk, that I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead, and that I am decidedly not human or an incredible loser. Because truthfully who hasn’t been kissed by this age? This is no teenage girl dilemma where it is part of the awkwardly painful adolescence stage and not even near the ‘he loves me he loves me not paradox so just kiss me or throw me a bone’. Oh no because at my age I am fully aware that 80%-100% of my peers have dated, are dating, or will be dating within the next few weeks. If not that marriage, children, or when not seeking serious commitment the occasional hook-up or make-out session (because what’s life without whimsy?).
So who hasn’t been kissed by 22? Well me, I suppose if you count out my childhood kisses at the age of 3-4 in which my female best friend used kiss me mouth to promote other little boys to kiss me so that I wouldn’t get kiss her crush with another little boy who lived in our neighborhood, who happened to be my crush as well (and yes I did end up kissing him…several times those years cause he liked me more ;P). Anyway back to this hard hitting expose on my current situation so how does a girl go nearly 22 years and never kiss anybody when it counted.
Well first off I conquered the terrible kingdom of teenagedom in which you deal with a world where no one gets you and you are uber self-conscious about the way you look (which weasles down to who you hang with that make you look good and what you look like). So basically High School right? I wasn’t exactly high school miss popular material definitely no Regina George that’s for sure (and truthfully hope there aren’t many of those!). I wasn’t exactly Ugly-Betty either (America is actually a beautiful person in that show and out to clear that up!). Though let me say that since in high school I dropped 55 pounds which was basically a 3rd of my weight. Even so, chubbier I wasn’t all that unattractive I was that fat chick with the pretty face and cool personality and guys still liked me (though don’t tell my parents they still want to believe that I’m their baby and that I will never grow up and that men will never be into me even though they assure me that I am pretty and desireable and that any man who ever gets me will be the luckiest man ever <–my parents are truly the cutest)! But yes dear whoever, men have expressed desire even when I was at my most-unattractive on the inside and the outside.
Now with my young adulthood -late teens I dropped the weight, kicked my shallow friends to the curb and decided “screw image and hello self-acceptance”! So I made some friends lost many superficial ones and started to try loving me. And you know what I’m glad I did! I feel better than ever and I feel like it shows! Leaving the house sometimes I feel like I glow how happy I feel about myself. And that definitely cranks up the hotness meter on anyone! In terms of kissing though there wasn’t much progress. I found that the ratio of men who looked at me went up a like sales at a froyo place in the summertime (if you live in the Northern Hemisphere with lots of snow you’ll get me). Not only this but the number of men who asked me out increased. But me being shy me and still on the self-conscious side (working on it!) turned them down.
Through self-reflection I realize that this is 99% a me problem. Because one I’m not nearly trusting enough of those who like me. And two because of that in addition to shyness you end up with this socially-awkward situation where someone who may to approach me is either like 1) whoa to innocent shy definitely a goody-goody and not a good-time! 2) Whoa she’s got such high friggin fraggin expectations not even gonna try. And for the occasional cute-guy who really tries is 3) Well she’s shy I noticed that for a while…but hey I’m gonna go for it anyway and start a conversation which results in a) us being friends b) an outcome like 1 or 2 c) them thinking total rejection (when in those situations the thought process is “OMG this dude is so cute! What do I SAY WOMAN POWERS HELP ME~ with this I should say I’m not an incompetent flirt I know how to flirt with the best of them but if you’re shy as hell and a greek god approaches you unexpectedly, you as a meager mortal may also have your words turn to goop). The other group is 4) these are the guys that don’t read the hey she’s shy or innocent but just go with the “I know nothing about you let’s date”. Is this a bad thing? Nope. Not all that many dating scenarios start with an Edward Cullen Bella Thorn romance scenario of “I FEEL WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER THOUGH I’VE ONLY JUST MET YOU”. And guess what? It would be strange as hell if that happened in real life and would probably become increasingly creepy, clingy, and demanding down the road in that relationship. Its important to get to know people is what I’m trying to say but by giving them the opportunity to get to know you, by giving them the opportunity to get to know you (wow girl way to loose em!).
So you ask why on earth am I nearly 22 and never been kissed? Well coupled with the fact that all my friends are girls, High School pains, socially-awkward shy induced moments, and underlying trust issues leading to me coming off as a stuck up witch with a B. Look I’m not saying I want some overly sentimental first kiss and probably it’ll work itself out when I figure out creating an approachable self-aura and open-mindedness to say yes to a date. Will I kiss before I’m 22? Probably not will I kiss when I am 22 maybe. After that I most definitely hope so. But if I wanna kiss anyone anytime soon I’m going to need to grow a pair of female cojanes and give the male gender a fighting chance.
P.s. Never confessed this to my friends if they asked I’d tell but as it runs somehow they think I’m the relationship expert…the girl whose never been kissed and never goes out is female advice expert…but that’s a post for another time ;P