I am beautiful and not ashamed.

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After years of self-deprecation, negativity, and self-hate I finally decided that I am beautiful and not ashamed to say so. I know that sometimes when people think that of themselves it can be egocentric, cocky, and overbearing. However, I think don’t think there is anything wrong with when someone just acknowledges that they simply love themselves. It wasn’t easy getting here. I’ve struggled with self-image nearly my entire 21-nearly-22years of life. I had a tendency in the past to look at myself in the mirror and cry because I hated the reflection staring back at me. In high school there were days when I wouldn’t go to school for days because I felt so bad about myself and embarrassed to leave the house. I know how insane that sounds but that is how utterly hopeless I felt. I never got in the culture of dressing with the trends, wearing make-up, getting my hair done, or going to the spa with the girls like other teenage girls. I simply felt overweight, ugly, and miserable. I hated my body, I hated my buck teeth, I hated my eyes being slightly different sizes when I was tired, and the list could go on. In all honesty I was miserable.

Eventually for the sake of fitting in I started putting more effort in to my appearance. I wore make-up so I’d stop being the group embarrassment. And put more effort in my clothing selection.

All of a sudden circumstances in my life changed drastically. I found out I had Polystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is a co-existing condition of  pre-diabetes. And I felt awful. It was then I decided to change to be healthier, I lost the weight. However, even post weight loss I felt like I had the same insecurities as before. Even when I got to my smallest weight to-date I still felt really self-conscious. It just didn’t feel like it was enough. I’d weigh myself four to seven times daily. Thinking gosh I need to loose more! Though I no longer cried when I looked in the mirror I still did not feel beautiful.

Then like a godsend my bestfriend sat me down and told me that “you know what girl nothing is going to change because physically you are beautiful. I won’t tell you, ‘you aren’t ugly’ because no matter what I say nothing will change what you are thinking. If you don’t believe you are pretty no matter what you try to do nothing will change”. You know what? She was right. It wasn’t that when she told me that I sprang into action. It wasn’t my other friends, families, and even guys telling me I was pretty. She had to repeat that phrase probably 100 times before it actually stuck. And I realized the problem wasn’t that I was ugly physically. It was the negative thoughts underlying my thoughts. Every time I walked by myself there was something negative I’d spot. And doing that was toxic to myself. So I made the commitement everyday I would look in the mirror and tell myself something I liked about myself and not something negative. It wasn’t easy. There were still days I would skip, or just feel negative and wouldn’t want to.

It is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But beauty is also in the mind of the one wielding it. I realized that I love myself. I love my big brown eyes, my short stature,  my grandmother’s cheekbones my nose that is the perfect cross of my mother and father, my long neck, pouty lips, and my clear skin. I like that when I’m feeling nervous or awkward my dimples come out but almost never when I smile (I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true!). I love my sense of sense of style that can’t be described as anything other then dainty and girly. I love smelling of flowers, fruity scents, and laundry. It was my perception that did.

Where am I going with this? I am beautiful. In those years I was negative and did not like myself: I was beautiful. In the time before I lost the weight: I was beautiful. Even before I cared about makeup and dressing like the fashonista I am: I was beautiful. I am  beautiful not because of my outer appearance but because I believe I am. I truly believe that everyone has beauty and in the mind is where it can be found. And it because of all of these things that I am beautiful and not ashamed to admit it.

Peace out me!

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