Almost Never Reaching

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I met you that day. You were sitting across the way. It was unintentional. Being honest how could it be anything but coincidence? We never went out of our way in the past. Why on earth would we now?  You stared at me amongst your friends’ conversation while at sat with mine laughing at joke they’d told. You had an unreadable look in your eyes. You knew it was me despite the changes. I felt you staring into my soul. What were you searching for? Reassurance I knew it was you? Knowing you still hold power over me?

I couldn’t, wouldn’t give you that satisfaction. Our game was over. I refused to look up. I would let you look at me. I would let you stare me down and burn holes into me with your gaze. Was I different than you expected? Did it bother you that others could find me of all people desirable? Or were you busy believing the lies?

We went our separate ways. Me with the satisfaction of knowing I’d won this round. I was secretly happy I’d chosen that night to curl my hair, to try out my red lipstick, and a dress that showed off my curves. I had the last laugh as I walked out that restaurant and you watched me with irritation marking your features realizing as I walked by you that I wasn’t going to greet you.

It’s a shame. Well no it isn’t. You weren’t loyal. You never dared to stay by my side. Nor did you try to respond or reach out when I was hurting when I was being attacked. Even after the destruction you left me without your presence, never to return again. You dislike me, as do I. I suppose that’s what happens when you come to almost love someone and they disappoint you.

I would have thrown it all away. If you’d shown me an ounce of loyalty throughout the time we were close to each other.

I should thank you. If you hadn’t shown me your tendencies early I would have hurt myself by being in an unfruitful and painful love. I would have been stuck in stagnancy. I wouldn’t have become the woman I am  today. I wouldn’t have improved life circumstances nor forged the relationships I have.

Thank you almost lover for letting me down I am better because of it, newly 22 year old me

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