The reason was that you were never genuine

fake*This is an angry rant*

Dear person I don’t really know,

Despite what you may think I know you. Well actually no. I know that I don’t know you. That’s probably the reason why I hated you on day one. I didn’t know you and I couldn’t figure you out. Why would anyone be dumb enough to let people walk over them the way that you did?

You went out of your way to be nice. But you were never being genuine. I don’t understand why you do that. Why you did that. Why would you want to be nice to someone only when you would turn around and complain about it afterward? You did it because you thought  that was the nice thing to do maybe following some checklist. Your niceties and kindness were never from the heart though. Since, you were never emotionally connected it would make it easy to walk away.

And here is me besetching you as someone you “helped”. You didn’t feel commited to being kind or emotionally attached. It made it easy for you to leave me when I actually needed you. It’s frustrating because I know that in that time I spent being “helped” by you I could have actually found or talked to someone who actually cared about me and what was going on.

Sitting here now I am angry at myself for ever trusting your falsity. And ever getting “helped” from  you. Looking back it seems that even your biggest attempts at “helping me” were to help yourself. To help your broken self-esteem by feeling like a good person because of your “good deeds”. It must have felt good for being nice enough to “help” little unfortunate me. Only, to run when you realized that I am strong, independent, and self-motivated: that I have control over my life. By talking to me getting to know me you learned that I am a very sensible person and that must have burned you. Perhaps that’s why you left. I wasn’t a little wounded animal that you could nurture. And there was sense behind the choices and actions I made.

So here it is from someone you “helped”, stop it. There are people who you are “helping” that really do need help from someone actually cares about them and their well-being. When  you disappear from their lives they really will be all alone and hurt that someone would leave them like that and they won’t have actual support because they were led to believe you were the only person they needed. Stop “helping” and help yourself. Improve your self esteem so that you aren’t just ticking off things on your mental “nice” checklist. If you can’t empathize with others then just acknowledge it.

At the end of the day I don’t need “nice” from someone who isn’t genuine. But it would be better to know the genuine you at least then I’d know who you are. That would be fair.  You know giving me the benefit of making an informed decision on our relationship and if I even like you as a person? What I hope you take from  this. If you want to be a good person that’s fine. But being a good person isn’t showing the occasional demonstration of your kindness it being truly being kind from the heart and doing it because you care. It’s actually about being there. Simply doing nice acts doesn’t a good person make. If you don’t mean your actions they can be even more damaging than just not being there and doing nothing.  In fact it is in your case. You force the image that you are all what they need but you don’t really even care.

If I didn’t have others, just you I would’ve been crippled by your falseness I would be crippled by you leaving out of nowhere. You are hurting others more than you are helping. Find out what really makes a good person and actually believe it. But here’s some advice I am no genius but what has made the most extraordinary individuals was their ability to empathize and care about other human beings. A skill you never worked on. Stop hurting people by being “nice” actually mean your actions at least let them be real.

Pissed off at being used for your own problems, newly 22 year old me

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