Strangers look at me like they are baffled and this is a common occurrence for me. At first I thought it was me being insecure but quickly realized this is an actual occurrence. When I told my friends they told me I was being over dramatic. But once I brought up 3 or 4 times they finally started to notice it is very true. At restaurants we’d go to it happened, at cafes, going shopping, at school (which 37,000 stuedents so everyone are strangers), just everywhere!
I don’t like people staring at me to begin with I prefer not being seen. I have insecurities and though I believe I’m a beautiful human being because truly we all are beautiful and amazing creations: have you seen the magic of the human body and mind? I am insecure about a list of things and it makes me scared.
When strangers look at me I feel like they are looking at me like something is wrong with me and I’m note sure what. People look at me sometimes like an arm is sticking out of my forehead and reaching to poke them or something. Yes, I have actually touched my forehead to check if this actually the case every time it happens. People look at me like I am an alien that is decidedly an alien and not even attempting to pass off as human.
Sometimes I feel like breaking the silence and screaming “WHAT, WHAT IS IT! I DON’T HAVE A HUGE TENTICLES FOR LEGS AND ARM THAT IS STICKING OUT OF MY FOREHEAD! AND I’VE SUBTLY TOUCHED ALL OVER MY FACE TO CHECK! BUT WHY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME TELL ME SO THIS CAN STOP!” In all honesty me screaming like a lunatic randomly on the bus will probably a) get me kicked off the bus stop and b) make me look like a raving lunatic, which of course may be the case but it shouldn’t be because of this.
This is such a common occurrence for me that I honestly wish I knew why it happens so much. I’m not extraordinarily pretty (I’m an average human female), I don’t think I walk that strangely or have weird body language, and I don’t talk or make eye contact with absolute strangers on the bus unless it is initiated. So why are you looking at me like I’m Chubaka’s love child with Golem? Like I’m some weird creature that is disturbing the presence of the universe for existing?!
My friends say things along the lines of “Oh they just think you’re pretty.” Let’s be honest here. There is a difference between the look of when someone thinks your pretty, ugly, disgusting, just a human being, and when they look at you with absolute confusion as to your existence.
In my mind I think something MUST be wrong with me to instigate this look of confusion people have. Because why else and what else is so stand about this girl who spends her time reading and trying to look invisible on bus rides? Why else are they staring with such confusion of a girl who is just really trying to turn invisible at this moment to avoid the stares. In an exaggerated and hard day the stares were so much I really had to get off the bus.
I’m tired of this being such a source of insecurity for me. I wish I could turn invisible to put an end to the madness and confusion.
Wishing I knew what is so confusing about me, 22 year old me