By this point in my life several of my female friends date guys they don’t really like. It is as if to say that the number of boyfriends they have in a year projects their worth to others. It is that dating a man who tells you are beautiful like a broken record is enough to restore a shattered self-image. When it doesn’t work they dump them cruelly. Angrily. In some situations even going as far as saying “I never liked you anyway!”. In order to make a point of how done they truly are with the relationship. When they are dumped by the one guy in their life they are enraged. “How dare he dump me! I’ve never been dumped before!”. Followed by weeks of being angry, sad, depressed, and moving on to the next guy.
They feel sorry for me for being a perpetual single. Like I am immature because I want to better myself before dating. I have been known for having low self-image. I was in self-hatred and unhappy with myself. The thought of roping anyone down with that was too for me. It took me several years before I came to love and accept myself. For the positive changes I made in me I feel ready for a relationship. But I’d never use someone else for my own personal gain. I’d never want to take advantage of someone. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone in order to feel beautiful, smart, or wanted.
I understand that I am delayed in certain aspects (refer to my first blog post if you doubt me). But I am trying to open myself up to people enough and work toward the changes that I long for. If I could talk to these friends I’d tell them It’s not a matter of finding someone soon. It’s about finding someone with whom I can grow with as an individual. It’s about having someone else’s back and them having mine. Yes. I am single. They don’t understand that. But I’m not unhappy either. I’d love to be with someone. But I wouldn’t use someone to fill that space in my life. It will happen when it happens.
Not willing to be the puppet master, 22 year old me