Is it Jealousy? Self-Image? I Don’t Even Know What Title Will Describe This…

Today I’m writing about an issue that currently came up again with my best friend…I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what to do… When  for the third time she texted me about feeling like crap every time we hang out…jealousy_by_7roses1brokenheart

It starts with the fact that I met my best friend eight years ago and we instantly jelled. But eight years ago I was a very different person both physically and psychologically. Back then we had commonalities and struggles we shared in common. The one in specific that has recently become a point of contention between us is weight. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight since the beginning of our friendship. I’ve changed a lot psychologically as well.

I feel like dynamics changed after loosing the weight. It started with me noticing that she hardly ate anything when we went out to eat, she would get uncomfortable whenever I talked about my weight, and she told me she wouldn’t shop with me anymore because it made her feel bad about herself. I felt bad. Awful even. I made my best friend feel bad enough about herself that she didn’t want to shop with me and thought I’d judge her for eating. I wanted to be respectful of her wishes so we stopped shopping together. I told her I thought she was beautiful and that she didn’t need to compare herself to me because she far exceeds me physically and psychologically but she didn’t believe me. I thought that the issues would stop there….Maybe she thought that if we stopped shopping together and eating less in my presence that her feelings would change. But that wasn’t the case…

For the third time in the past six months my best friend texted me about how bad she feels after we hang out. About how when she hangs out with me she feels bad because I look really good and she feels lazy, and fat, and ugly in comparison. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Every time she texts me this I try to reassure her. I tell she IS beautiful and that if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be able to make the positive changes that I’ve made in my life. I try to let her know how important she is to me. But I don’t get a response for a day or two and a response with “it’s fine with a smiley face” and then she avoids the topic completely.

I can’t just leave this issue alone because it’s obviously bothering her and it keeps coming up. Part of me– and I feel bad for this– gets a little upset. What does she expect of me? Does she want me to gain the weight back? Does she want me to be unhappy with myself again? Because even if I gained every single pound back I wouldn’t be the same person I was then. Feeling disgusting and terrible is something that we will no longer be a commonality between us…so if that is what she is looking for again that won’t happen because I’ve changed my perspectives on what it is to be beautiful. I understand the impact of inner beauty and feeling beautiful.

But then I also feel attacked. That she makes this my fault. And I just don’t know what to do to make her happy.

I know it sounds superficial but I don’t want to go out completely feeling exposed. I tried dressing down for her in a not obvious way but she texted me about feeling bad again so I ended up feeling like why should I leave the house feeling uncomfortable and she still wasn’t happy. Over time the issue seemed to disappear and slowly (unconsciously) I reverted to my normal style. Just a few days ago I got the same text again meaning I hadn’t done as good a job as I’d thought.

People know me for being a fashionista. The girl who is always on point. The girl you take when you want to find an awesome outfit. I take pride in my physical appearance and I never leave the house without feeling like I look good.

Making proactive changes to get to a level of physical fitness that I am proud of. The fact that my best friend is so unhappy about my weight and physical appearance makes me wonder if I should put my fitness goals on hold until she moves away in a few months? Should I try toning it down? If we talk about this can I even expect her to really be honest with me? And if she is honest can I handle what she has to say?

Friends-Fighting1

I don’t want this to be an issue between us. We have a strong friendship and get along better than anyone I’ve ever known. We have very similar personalities and have gone through a lot together. I feel like it would be unfortunate if our friendship became strained over something like this…It is difficult because I am scared to ask her to hang out before I come up with a solution because I don’t want to make her feel bad about herself again.

Feeling conflicted, 22 year old me

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2 thoughts on “Is it Jealousy? Self-Image? I Don’t Even Know What Title Will Describe This…

    • Thank you for the comment! I think that she is happy that I am happy. But she has conflicting feelings about how I’ve become happy and she feels like she is still in the same place…so I think she’s happy and resentful at the same time and this is how she is expressing it 😦

      Liked by 1 person

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