Lately, I’ve been feeling off my A game. It’s like I am overwhelmed by everything that is going on in my life. Some of my problems right now are 100% my fault. For example getting behind in my summer school courses. Right now I am in three online courses and incredibly behind in ALL of them. I would like nothing more than to drop one but I can’t help but feeling if I really was trying would I even need too? So somehow I will have to muster my unenthused, exhausted self into getting caught up effectively in all three courses by the end of the week before I do serious damage to my grades.
But there are also non-controllable things that have been driving my crazy lately as well…
Work has been odd lately. With transitions going on everyone is acting strange. And I truly don’t understand if the problems I am sensing are actual problems. Let me explain. Lately, at work I feel like people are always talking about me. I have a bad habit of always thinking people are talking negatively about me when they are talking about someone (egotistical of me much?!). And at work I feel like this has been happening all the time. To be honest people may not be talking badly about me at all. The negative airs I feel my not be existent. It could all be in my head because I am stressed out.
In addition, my best friend has been very distant lately which makes me feel distressed. She is moving away soon. So with this change in attitude I feel like when she leaves it will be on a more sour note. It upsets me. What bothers me most is recently she stated that hanging out with me makes her feel bad about herself because she feels I look good. Recently, we haven’t hung out at all since then and when I try to make arrangements she seems unenthused. I can’t help but feel that she just doesn’t want to hang out anymore. And every attempt I make to make things better is met by push back. This is hard for me to deal with especially since she is moving away in less than two months.
Financially, I’ve been a wreck. Overdrawn every single week for the past 2 months and still scraping by. I feel stressed about it so I think to work more. And working more makes me have less time to work on school which ends up being a vicious cycle.
My OCD has been revved up with stress. Meaning that all I want to do is clean an organize but I have had very limited time. So instead things have been piling up or staying the same. Leaving me in a constant state that the house is just not good enough.
On top of it all, my body image issues have been in the dumps. I am not doing badly at my weight. But perhaps the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed have made me feel really bad about myself. I feel like Jabba the Hut. literally. I feel sluggish, slow, lazy, and tired.
On top of everything I still need to manage this hectic schedule and get out of this hole that I am in. And perhaps because of the feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed I feel more pessimistic about everything. I feel lonely. And those who I could usually spill my guts to are either to busy or have their own issues to deal with at present. I feel like I will have to deal with these problems one at a time before things can get better. I will start with school since I feel that is the only thing I am in control of. And slowly start knocking out the other things on the list. I am hopeful that even though right now I feel like things are in shambles but if I work away at it things will be better and looking up even within the month.
Hoping for the strength to get on top of things, 22 year old me