For the past weeks I’ve been highly distraught (for a multitude of reasons) but I can’t stop myself. I feel like I am high strung and have that sensation you may know when incredibly stressed or freaking out? You know that feeling when it feels like all the nerves in your body are alight by some spark? Or like bugs are crawling beneath the skin (not the deadly ones from the Mummy but more like benign hyperactive ones)? That’s me I am freaking out and I am not coping well. I know that and I know it pass soon but I still panic. I feel like any decision I make in the next few days will be bad because I am just not being rational right now.
The thing is I am freaking out and no one knows. I am really good at hiding how much I am panicking from people. The only one who usually knows is my best friend but this week things have been rough because she leaves in little more than a week and has been stressed and not entirely happy to interact with me. She has so much MORE going on with her that I don’t feel like I want to make things worst right before she leaves. I already sent her the most randomest long text ever just telling her how important she is to me and how well I know she will do which may just upset her more -_-”
My family doesn’t know because I tend to keep things to myself about how frantic I am. Other people from work or school won’t know because these are things we can’t discuss. Instead I freak out to myself. In the end my inability to talk to others can be more harmful to those relationships because I have an attitude change and no one knows why.
I feel like more than anything I want to talk to someone about what is going on to slightly relieve the burden. Anyone to talk to me and make it feel better so I can have the strength to move forward. But I can’t open up to people because many of them won’t care enough even if I go out of my way to talk to them. Others are to stressed to deal with me. And the rest I just don’t trust to talk to.
I’ve been good at hiding what I will refer to as my current dilemma but I wish I wasn’t so good. I wish someone would say “hey everything alright you haven’t seemed yourself” but this a fools wish. I think I am the only one who can help myself get through this which makes me even lonelier…
Freaking out but no one knows, 22 year old me