Freaking Out But Good At Hiding It

For the past weeks I’ve been highly distraught (for a multitude of reasons) but I can’t stop myself. I feel like I am high strung and have that sensation you may know when incredibly stressed or freaking out? You know that feeling when it feels like all the nerves in your body are alight by some spark? Or like bugs are crawling beneath the skin (not the deadly ones from the Mummy but more like benign hyperactive ones)? That’s me I am freaking out and I am not coping well. I know that and I know it pass soon but I still panic. I feel like any decision I make in the next few days will be bad because I am just not being rational right now.

The thing is I am freaking out and no one knows. I am really good at hiding how much I am panicking from people. The only one who usually knows is my best friend but this week things have been rough because she leaves in little more than a week and has been stressed and not entirely happy to interact with me. She has so much MORE going on with her that I don’t feel like I want to make things worst right before she leaves. I already sent her the most randomest long text ever just telling her how important she is to me and how well I know she will do which may just upset her more -_-”

My family doesn’t know because I tend to keep things to myself about how frantic I am. Other people from work or school won’t know because these are things we can’t discuss. Instead I freak out to myself. In the end my inability to talk to others can be more harmful to those relationships because I have an attitude change and no one knows why.

I feel like more than anything I want to talk to someone about what is going on to slightly relieve the burden. Anyone to talk to me and make it feel better so I can have the strength to move forward. But I can’t open up to people because many of them won’t care enough even if I go out of my way to talk to them. Others are to stressed to deal with me. And the rest I just don’t trust to talk to.

I’ve been good at hiding what I will refer to as my current dilemma but I wish I wasn’t so good. I wish someone would say “hey everything alright you haven’t seemed yourself” but this a fools wish. I think I am the only one who can help myself get through this which makes me even lonelier…

Freaking out but no one knows, 22 year old me

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7 thoughts on “Freaking Out But Good At Hiding It

    • Thank you very much for your comment! It is very much appreciated! I think that this week I am just struggling I’ve got a lot going things going on and people aren’t listening when I talk (like being really distracted or just not wanting to hear about my problems and mysteriously having to go 2 minutes into the conversation). I appreciate you reaching out though it was very sweet of you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Alright girly you are in for it now!

        I think everything is stressing me out body image has been an issue for me my whole life recently (not even particular weight gain) has sent me feeling stressed and I don’t know why, I just hope it’s nothing unhealthy. Some people think I am worrying over nothing but I have struggled with weight my whole life so sometimes even now I still stress like I did before I lost weight.

        School is constant stress because I am always worrying that my grades won’t be enough to get me into my future prospects. The most immediate stress is that I am behind in certain things and this is the last week to get caught up before exams.

        Financial stresses are bad but are worst because I am going on a trip with my bestie but for the past few weeks she’s been having issues and been rude to me. I’m worried because I get paid a little over minimum wage at my job the last thing I want to do is spend 1000 dollars for her to treat like she has been for the past few weeks. We need to talk and I am not confident it will go well, since we planned the trip for a week and half from now. What makes me the most distressed I hate how the last two months before she’s left she’s been treating me this badly. I would have wanted to do more with and have good memories with her but I can’t because of the way she is acting.
        Then there was the me trying to reach out to people around me but no one cared.

        The other thing is that because she is going to be gone and everyone else leaves the city when school starts again in fall. So I really will be all alone which terrifies me.
        And my attempts of talking to people so far have proved futile because none of the people who are close to me seem to think that I have real problems…
        If you got through this you are amazing! Again thank you so much for your comment and reading through my rambles I really do appreciate it!

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      • The whole thing with worrying about your body image is something which is very hard to drop. I know in one of your older posts you mentioned that you’d lost a lot of weight and were now wearing smaller clothing. Weight is one of those things I think everyone struggles with and finds hard to be happy with (I know I certainly get upset/annoyed with my weight even though I know it’s a healthy one). For that case you just need to keep reminding yourself of what weight you used to be and what you are now so you are always aware of how far you’ve come and be happy about it.
        School is one big stress which I relate to massively. Worrying about not getting the right grades though is no way to live. I used to CONSTANTLY think about my grades and not getting what I need to get back into school (I’m only doing GCSEs and my results come out in a month) but worrying and stressing about isn’t healthy. Also when I stress and panic about not getting the grades I find it even harder to concentrate and to learn so you need to just shove the thoughts from your brain. Try and set minimum grades you would like to achieve so that you’re not stressing about trying to get solid A’s in everything but instead your working towards grades which are more achievable. It also means that when you get your results back if you get higher than the minimum grade you set you will feel a lot happier with yourself.
        Yeah I know this whole thing with your bestie is all strange. The way I’m looking at it is that she is trying to push you away so that it will be easier for her (and you) to move on when she leaves. It’s easier to move to a new place and to start over when there’s no one you’re close to being left behind. Try and talk to her now though before it’s too late. Just outright ask her why she’s been acting the way she has been; I mean it could even be that she’s been stressed out with trying to move. But it’s better to try talk it out with her now while you can and discuss what’s going to happen with the trip: as in is it worth your time and money to go on this trip if she’s just going to continue to act and treat you the way she has been.
        If the people who are close to you don’t think you have any problems just tell them that you do. I know you’ve probably already done that but just try and get them to view things from your point of view, try and get them in your situation of your best friend leaving and treating you badly, the stress of being behind school and therefore worrying about not getting the grades needed and then the fact that no one seems to want to listen to you.

        I’m not an expert on advice or life (hell im only 16) but I’m not stupid enough to not realise that someone needs to step up and start listening to you being holding all this stress and worry up inside is NOT a good thing.

        I hope I was some sort of help there for you and I apologise for taking so long to reply but I live in the UK so when you posted this I was asleep.
        Good luck!

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      • Sorry for the late response I got bogged down with work and school but I really appreciate you responding to me!
        You are right about my body image. I think generally I can be quite good about it but when I am stressing like I am I tend to just find reasons to be unhappy with myself. I think I need to be more accepting of how far I’ve come though.
        I also understand what you are saying about school. It’s basically a constant struggle but I like the approach you described. I always aim for perfection (which is impossible) and when I don’t reach it I am disappointed. Even if I am doing very well.
        That’s an interesting standpoint you have on my bestie. Since this post I tried talking to her. To be honest I was a little disappointed she kept repeating how stressed she was. Something that I have been aware of and very sensitive to. If anyone else was making me feel like she has been I’d have done something more by now…but she’s leaving soon and I don’t want to ruin 8 years of friendship because I can’t deal with a few months of her being a downer. I feel like things have just become strained.
        And you give very good advice! I really do appreciate your efforts. Keeping my stress levels up is no good for me I have tried talking to my mom several times which eventually has led her to understand how stressed I am and she’s been trying her best to accommodate me.

        Liked by 1 person

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