My best friend The and I were supposed to go on a road trip this week. But to be honest I am not sure that, that’s a good idea for me. Basically, we will be driving for 5-7 days and when we get there I will be taking a $500 ticket back home and she will stay there to go to school. How that will look like financially is 500 going and 500 back so $1000. During this trip I have tried asking her about expenses but she hasn’t planned things out (four days before we are supposed to go) so here I sit basically nervous and having no clue about this trip even though I have 2 exams tomorrow.
There are several factors making me nervous about this trip. 1) we haven’t been getting along very well for the past few weeks. She’s been stressed and taking it out on me which eventually got to my own nerves and lead to me avoiding her even though I would have wanted to spend more time with her in her last few weeks here. I tried several times to make things better. Even asking what I had done wrong. But this is just how she gets when she is very overwhelmed. It’s hard to empathize with someone when they are putting you down to feel better…even though it a) doesn’t make them feel better and b) makes you feel worse.
Then there is the fact that this trip is not planned out very well. I know she blames me for being sick and not meeting to plan with her. But she refused to meet up with me afterwards. She insisted she’d get things figured out but here we are and nothing is planned out. She doesn’t even have a place to move into. And this trip is to help her move to a new city! The result will probably be us getting there and having to pay for a hotel while I am there.
The third thing is that it feels like she is feeling very entitled to this trip. I don’t want to be a jerk but financially I am screwed (between adopting two very cute kittens, Drivers Education tests, university, life, and basic living necessities I am broke as a joke!). I’ve tried presenting this delicately but she just doesn’t understand it. This trip is so expensive and I don’t have the money. Of course I could have saved more for it but I was upset with her remember? And I guess my passive aggressive way of not dealing with it was spending the money elsewhere (that isn’t to say that it didn’t go to things that were actually needed though). Whenever I try explaining my financial situation she seems understanding but then the next second she keeps saying “we” as if she expects me to still come. The other aspect of entitlement is when I was supposed to get these cats I told her that the timeframe could interfere with the trip and quite frankly she told me to get another pair and that I would just find other cats I like. But it’s really not that simple. Even when I told her I had adopted them she still seemed defensive until I told her I changed the timeframe so I could pick them up after the trip (even though I would love to snuggle up to them right now because they are adorable and I already miss them!)
Don’t get me wrong I love her to death. I have never had a friend as good as her. I am so scared to tell her that I can’t do this trip you know four days before? That’s a really awful thing to do. On the other hand though I don’t understand what other option I have. My parents think this trip is a bad idea, my sister thinks it’s a bad idea to travel with someone I am still upset with, and my brother is the only one contradicting them by saying I should just get over it and have the best time I can. My parents are so opposed to this trip that they booked a trip to Florida at a resort at the exact same time and have been wanting me to go there instead! The thing is you can’t put a price on friendship, even if it is more than I can afford. But on the other hand this trip will set me so far back financially that I KNOW I can’t quit my job in for the school semester meaning I will have to hustle work, school, and life (which some people do easily but I struggle through because of chronic fatigue).
I am so scared about her anger too. What if she stops speaking to me? And I know she will blame me adopting these kittens (which yes is financially very expensive) and that I picked them over her. What if she stops being my friend? I seen her stop for lesser reasons. I am so scared that I can’t do anything but worry, as I have been for a week. I don’t want her to think that I am unreliable. Even though that is exactly what I am being by NOT going on this trip with her. I don’t want her to stop depending on me when she just started. I know that if all else fails she will at least not be speaking to me for several weeks or even months.
I feel like I am so stressed I won’t have a good time. I feel like she’ll be so stressed she won’t have a good time. I feel like I am scared that we will both be miserable on a trip that was supposed to be fun. A trip that I was so excited for but now I am literally dreading for the emotional and financial backlash that may occur as a result of this trip.
If anyone got through this post and has words of advice please leave a comment.
Ruminating in exam and friendship induced stressed 22 year old me