No Go- Road Trip

My decision was not to go. The thing is I finally was able to decide not to go on this trip after weeks of apprehension and anxiety. I ended up talking to my friend and telling her I wasn’t going. This was met with a lot of backlash. Since I’ve told her I am not going she has basically been text bombing me to express her disappointment and displeasure. The thing is these text messages hurt. They also make me angry. I could understand the disappointment and frustration of me cancelling and especially so close to the departure date. Maybe this is why I’ve been  acting overly tolerant of the things she is saying. Though part of the reason I ended up waiting this week was because I wanted to wait for her exams to be finished. That being said she’s been giving me a really hard time even though my exams are still going on.

The first factor is that this is a road trip yet we haven’t planned where we’d stop (on the roads and campsites) scary since the trip is on Friday. Secondly, she has no clue where she is going to be living or staying (city or lodging essentially). These are pretty huge components of helping someone move to another Province. I can’t help but feel like not only is it a bad idea for her to take all her stuff and go with nowhere to live but that it’s even worse to take all her stuff, her brother, her dog, and me with nowhere to go. Perhaps that seems selfish but I feel like her and her brother should focus all their attentions on finding a place before they leave but since they aren’t doing that they should focus all their attentions of finding a place when they get there…my presence wouldn’t make that easier.

The second component is that my friend is having conflicts even deciding on whether or not she will be eligible for the program she is enrolled. She doesn’t even know if this is what she wants to do or if this is where she wants to move. This is concerning because what if she decides that she doesn’t want this and comes back? Or that she doesn’t want this and becomes stuck in the situation. The whole thing is so uncertain that it seems that it may be useless going there to help her move only for her to be a) miserable b)come back c) not have any options. She keeps saying it will be fine but she isn’t acknowledging the gravity of her situation of proceeding with it logically.

The third thing is that we have been not doing so well for weeks. I’ve dealt with her being very harsh the past few weeks. Ignoring my concerns. And scrutinizing my choices. Her attitude has been very off-putting and resulted in me avoiding her when I wanted to be spending time with her in her last few weeks of leaving. Even though things were tough I still made the effort to see her but she wasn’t keen on it. Eventually, the trip I was excited for became the trip I was dreading. Of course in the last week she’s been looking forward to it because she doesn’t see what her attitude has been like for me to deal with and she doesn’t want to acknowledge the reality that this trip is a recipe for disaster.

The last thing is more personal than anything. I feel bad but I am a part-time worker. I don’t make a lot of money. Right now things are tough financially and I would have put that money into this trip if I thought it was going to turn out. The thing is because I don’t know where I am staying (city or lodging) when I am there and I don’t even know when we would get there I can’t book a flight back home even. This flight home could prove upwards of 600 dollars because my friend hasn’t finalized any components of this trip really meaning last minute tickets home. In total this trip will easily cost me more than 1000 dollars which will be more than the cost of the people who are moving to get there.

Of course it upsets me that she is sending me texts about being unreliable (true), untruthful,  unloyal, and various other forms of selfish. But I can’t change the fact that this whole venture is unplanned, unfinished, and that I feel like she is just not ready for this. Talking to people in my life they have said the same. I feel bad for cancelling on a trip she was looking forward to but I also feel resentment (which she states as well) because she has been avoiding me, treating me poorly, and failed to execute anything she needed to do to move across the country when this trip was supposed to be helping her move. It feels unfair of her assert that I am a bad friend because I am choosing not to go.

I understand that she is stressed that I have made her more stressed out by cancelling with her but I also feel like her text messaging me the way she is, is wrong. I didn’t want to end things like this before she left but I can’t back up something that I  know will hurt me and hurt her in the process. I feel like I tried cancelling this trip so many times and she just kept avoiding it until I had to be firm. It shouldn’t have come off as out of the blue but because she refuses to acknowledge the situation she is in all she is doing is taking her emotions out on others and avoiding doing things she needs to be doing.

Feeling upset with how things turned out, 22 year old me

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2 thoughts on “No Go- Road Trip

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