Today I ran into someone who I used to consider a “friend”. The thing is I think I always knew that she wasn’t my friend. But I was grasping at straws and I was more desperate, insecure, and lonely. The thing is I don’t truly hate this person but I hate what she represents. I hate that she represents the me of a weaker time. A me who had to pretend that she was something she wasn’t to satisfy others only to be scorned. And I loathe that every time I see her I remember that me. I remember the things I went through and how they were unresolved.
The thing is today it was worse than usual. I mean as superficial as this sounds the past few years that I’ve seen her I have a smug satisfaction that I have been doing better than her. That I am doing well for myself and that those who thought I was inept and stupid and fat and would never get anywhere are seeing that I am not those things. That I am smart, informed, and thoughtful. That I am not a fat lazy good for nothing but a girl who is on top of her physical self and still has a healthy self-concept even when not at her best. But today the tides turned. I saw her and she looked fantastic!
And it made me feel BAD about myself. Don’t worry! I am not stressing about it now. It basically took me looking in the mirror and thinking about all that I have managed to accomplish to realize that NO I did not have to feel bad about the fact that she lost weight and is looking good. In fact it doesn’t really bother me all that much anymore actually. The fact that it did bother me concerned me though. I think perhaps I felt vulnerable since I’ve gained a little weight since last year. I’ve managed to loose a third of it but other little bit still stresses me a little (self dialogue: I know just remind myself I am beautiful and a hard working person and I have changed for the better the weight doesn’t dictate that I shouldn’t stress to much). It’s not even the weight though I think it’s me feeling like I’ve failed to reach fitness goals and get back into shape (self dialogue: again stop stressing you can facilitate the change a lot has been going on but it’s never to late to start and you have been trying to change things which is a start!)
I think part of me was upset because when I was on my A-game this person was nowhere. Now she’s at her best I’ve slumped and I feel this stupid competitiveness for someone who shouldn’t matter to me. I guess the moral here is that this whole experience made me feel conflicted and bad but it also reminds me that I have come along ways since the events that made me dislike this person so much in the past. I don’t like her. That’s personal. But I hate that she represents the me from the past. I don’t I will ever like her. I don’t think it’s fair to myself to force something like that for someone who blatantly did me wrong. On the other hand she’s doing okay for herself. I guess that’s nice for her? But that isn’t a part of my life so that shouldn’t bother me. Next time I see her (probably next year with the amount we ACTUALLY see each other) I won’t be so effected by it because the reason why I think I was so upset is because I am still struggling with me. I need to find my healthy balance so that I am not comparing myself to others or not feeling the need to compete with people who done me wrong. It’s simply not productive.
Contemplating on changes to be a happy healthier, less competitive for dumb reasons,