Ambiguous loss

I keep things in and it festers becoming something more. The fact that I’d tried on a smaller scale to make you understand and have you disregard it makes me angrier. Finally, there comes a point where it all comes out. Where everything that has pent up becomes a massive explosive blow-up on my part. I release everything I have been feeling in tears, in anger, in disappointment. And you look at me like nothing is wrong. You look at me like what I am saying is not what I am feeling. When in reality it is.

I am in constant grieving. Grieving something that is right there in front of me but to far out of reach. Constantly wondering how much more you will take from me until it is enough. And I endure it. Because I can. Because I am strong. And because I realised that I DO NOT deserve the treatment you have given me.

But you won’t ever understand that. Because as far as you are concerned I don’t matter in your world.

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