How loosing one of my bestfriends has made it difficult to make new ones…

tumblr_n526aanRK41s5y47mo1_500I think that over the last year I have felt incredibly lonely. One of the reasons is because (and I’ve mentioned this before) is that my other really close friends kind of just faded out of my life within the past two years. One of them was actually really traumatic for me because I considered her to be my other best friend and then all of a sudden she wanted nothing to do with me. The entire time I didn’t know  what I had done wrong. Only to realize that she stopped talking to everyone from her previous life because she wanted to recreate herself. I guess that she thought she needed to do that to move on her with her life…in my opinion she was just running away from her problems and was avoiding things which doesn’t ultimately help anyone but that isn’t really the primary focus of this blog post.

I think the whole experience really hurt me. I didn’t do anything to hurt her. I was there for her. I supported her. I had never done anything in the recent years of our friendship (accept maybe high school and elementary school when we hated each other and weren’t even  friends) to cause our friendship to just spontaneously stop. We had never even fought when we were friends. It just kind of came out of nowhere. I think that’s what sits so badly with me. 671638ee5264df18d5462f1d9c223bd0

This experience was especially bad for me because I have a hard time making friends to start with. I am really shy and really quiet. And since I am so incredibly socially awkward it makes people have misconceptions about me. I don’t blame them because my body language probably makes me seem stand-offish and snobby. It’s not what I am intending though it’s just that they can’t see the internal monologue that’s raging inside my head…They don’t see me trying to force words out of my mouth that I KNOW would work in this conversation and then me not saying anything and just making things awkward and weird.

I feel like this experience with this person was like the straw that broke the camels back. It just felt like why was I working so hard to make friendships work only to have people turn around and make you realize you meant absolutely nothing to them. For months I have been contemplating on whether or not to contact this person. Not because I want our friendship back after this whole fiasco. But just to let her know that what she did wasn’t okay. Not because she shouldn’t be able to move on with her life but that her actions had implications on those she was friends with and decided to drop. In a way I want to get closure from the situation because I never did. The problem is I really have no idea what I would even say to her if I decided to contact her or if I’d have the courage to say what I feel like I need to. I’m also scared of the reaction to contacting her though…I’m torn between wanting what we had back and knowing that what we had may not have ever been real…d4cb0e15fd21093cfcbd74c6bf1215a5blogger-image--1152431325

I really want to move on. I want to be able to make friends again and not be so frightened of being hurt. Because at the end of the day part of the problem is that I am socially awkward but most of the problem is my reluctance to let anyone in anymore because I don’t want to be hurt. I know part of friendship is getting hurt but I also don’t want to invest so much in a friendship again only to get spit on. I think that if I want to change though I need to be more open and optimistic with people. I know that there are people that are good friends and they exist my best friend is a testament that these people exist. The process is just very difficult though…

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