Lately there has been a lot of pressure on me. I think it’s nothing new per say but the frequency has increased. It’s about relationships. I am in a program that is known for people marrying young and starting families young. No surprise. However, it can be awkward because everyone assumes that you are in one too and you aren’t. It can be frustrating because you know that you are not the most undesirable person to ever come into existence…In fact you are quite sure you could bring happiness into someone’s life yet you are still single…
The thing is time and time again people I know are entering or exiting romantic relationships like it is a normal part of life. Which it is. But for me it’s just not a thing. I have never had any form of actual relationship. I never go further than a little flirting here or there and to be honest I am not sure I would know how to move forward in a relationship even if I wanted too…well maybe I think I could but I’d need to find the right person.
The right person…that’s a concern. I have friends and colleagues who jump into relationships. They find someone they like and they start dating…Well what do you do if you don’t like anyone? What do you do if you don’t like anyone ever? Not because you hate people but you don’t meet people because you are a homebody/hermit for all the times you aren’t at school, work, or placements? It’s not like I am picky or anything (though I know people in my life would say otherwise). But I have a type and I know what’s good for me versus what is comfortable and familiar for me.
My friends can’t really introduce me to anyone (the very few I have). And dating would actually require me to put myself out there. Something that terrifies me and that I would probably respond with I don’t have time for it now. But I know time will always be an excuse to not put myself out in the world.
I used to blame being a perpetual single on the fact of my insecurities. That being in a relationship would make them worst. That working on myself first was the most important. But what do you do when you work on all those things and then realise…yup still not dating anyone or anywhere closer to it even though I feel good about myself.
I think I always have excuses of why I shouldn’t be in an relationship but I want to know what it’s like. Not enough to be with someone I am not invested in though because that is cruel and I see what that does to people. I think I like to tell myself I am being patient to find the right person but I am barricading myself from people which prevents me from meeting anybody.
It seems to shock people when I say I am not married, engaged, or otherwise. Or that I don’t have immediate plans to do so because people tend to assume “oh well your pretty” or “oh your smart”. But really what does any of that mean when you don’t leave the house enough to use those things? They won’t come into play when you stay at home whenever possible. It also doesn’t help that this town is home to the least flirtatious men ever. And the only ones who ask you out are the ones on the rebound and know that you are always single…
I’ve contemplated on online dating but I really don’t know how that would fly. I hear so many horror stories but me being who I am makes me think that, that may be the only way for me to build experience in this domain (I just need to be careful not to go on a hookup service or one that pushes marriage because I am not equipped for either situation).