Ending a friendship

I think the last time I actually posted a post I was talking about how one of my best friends had basically abandoned me last year. This left me with unresolved feelings and emotions. I was so upset. It felt like a betrayal in a way. I had let her in. I had told her things I couldn’t talk about with other people. I’ve always been guarded and I had let her in. I had opened myself to her. I had opened myself to the possibility of being hurt, something that terrifies me. But I trusted I her that she had my best interest at heart like I had hers. Even if she hurt me she cared right…that wasn’t the case.

About last year she stopped responding to texts for months at a time. She’d claim she was to busy to respond. But it was frustrating. She was on facebook every hour posting things. It wasn’t that she didn’t have time to respond to little texts here or there. They just weren’t a priority. I wasn’t a priority. When it started I was really worried. I worried that something was going on (which some things were) and I would ask if she was okay or if she was alright. I really went out of my way to get to the heart of things. But she simply didn’t care about those attempts and would ignore them as well.

After more than half a year of this I grew frustrated. What had I done? Had I done anything to make things as bad as they were? Worrying of me screwing things up I went to my best friend asking if there was something that I was doing wrong that was pushing our other friend away? What I found was that my best friend was going through the same thing as well. At this point we were both pretty sure that our friendship with our other best friend was strained.

Eventually, I got tired of always being the one to text. Ask if the other was okay. Or making plans to hang out around her schedule. When she’d come she’d act like she didn’t want to be there, like she’d have other things to do and leave early. After several hang outs like this and texts like this I gave up. I decided if she cared she could at least text me or ask me to hang out. And guess what? She didn’t for over a year she didn’t. She contacted me once to text me happy birthday. And I responded back for her birthday. But that was it.

I felt angry. Why had I spent so long and so much time with her if that’s what our friendship amounted too? I have random strangers message me on facebook to tell me happy birthday. It seriously doesn’t mean anything. Especially after years of friendship and the amount of time and yes money I had invested in this friendship.

I guess this whole situation the anger of her not contacting me made me resentful. I was angry. What is the point of me laying myself on the line when it means friendships that make me feel cared for only to find out my friends don’t give a rats backside about me?

After writing a previous post on this I got so frustrated I actually did contact her. I was tired of the ambiguity of me waiting for her to contact me. Or prove she cared because it was more than clear to me that she didn’t care about me. And from  what I knew of my best friend’s situation with her I realized she didn’t care about her either. She cared about herself and what she was getting out of it.

So I ended it. I told her via facebook (I know how shitty that is but it was literally the only way I could contact her). I told her that we aren’t in a good place. We can’t really even call each other friends because we have no idea about each other’s lives anymore. I told her how I felt and how I didn’t believe there was a reason to continue with things. It was sort of my way of drawing a line in the sand that stated OVER so I could move on with my life. She had been the one to end things when she decided I wasn’t worth hanging out with or talking to anymore. When she made me feel like I didn’t matter and didn’t want to be around her anymore.

The funny thing is that in contacting her she blamed me for everything. I seriously wanted to laugh out loud. Was she seriously blaming me for not putting effort in when for 7 months I initiated every text, every hang out, and every phone call. That the one time I wanted her to contact me she didn’t for over a year that she didn’t even initiate contact at the definite and I had to? In fact she blamed my best friend and I for teaming up against her. And we hadn’t talked about the situation until the end of contact with her and realized we’d both stopped hearing from her at the same time. We were each other’s support to get each other through what had happened. We’d not conspired like she’d tried to spin. But I didn’t want to start a war when I was already so tired. So I simply apologized she felt that way. Because truly I am sorry that she feels that way. The facts are different though…

The funny thing is after blaming me being angry with me she contacted my best friend that same day to fix things. It felt like she was spitting at me. But I simply brushed it off. The dumbest thing was that she did something to me that she’d always told me was petty to get back at me. I didn’t feel all that bothered though because I’d been grieving over this lost friendship months ago and by the time I contacted her I was over it.

To end this I guess I would say I am proud of myself for doing this. I needed to be able to move on from  this situation so I could open myself to other friendships. I need to have faith that not all my friends in future will treat me poorly. I need to realize that I am not just a number or something to be used and I’m  glad that even though I am not always strong that I could get through this friendship and had the courage to stop this from going on any longer.

Feeling like I can breathe again,

22-year-old mescissors1

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