I wonder if we would have been the same if I never left?

I find it sad to say but I find it easy to criticize your life choices. Maybe it  because we were attached for so long be it as unhealthy as it was. It’s not even that I resent you. It’s just that so much of how we grew up around each other was similar. And  generally we seemed to have the same values. But as I grow older I realize that the values we shared were superficial. And I realized the values you had held no depth or meaning to me. I just wanted to be surrounded  by people who loved me. You just wanted to be surrounded  by people. And for a long time I equated love to the numbers until I decided to forgo all of it. Because truly what did it mean to have so many friends when none of them were true? When I set aside my sense of self and dignity to have people who didn’t care for me?

But you, you have never changed. And as rarely as I get in contact with the people from the past it seems that they treat you in very much the same way they always did. Loving you to your face and hating you from a far. At this point I have no right to tell you this and have no inclination to do so. We both know you are a smart girl and even though you may not realize the extent you do know what they do behind your back. You know yet you do nothing because you want the numbers and you want to show how many people like you. But do they really? And can you really find happiness I wonder? Perhaps I will never understand because we seek happiness in different ways…

In the end we spent several years together we did for each other and we hurt each other repeatedly. But your impact will always remain in my life. And at times like this I ponder that if I stayed with you and them would I have been like you are now? Still placing importance on the quantity rather than the quality of my friends? I wonder…imagesS5GPYBTR

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