Things are different now…and I can’t pinpoint why…

I think this whole situation would be much simpler if I understood why we are the way we are. It’s like there is this constant feeling of “off-ness” and I can’t identify why that is. It is in the little things I do that set you off. It is the little statements you make that make me question you. Leading to this impasse where both of us aren’t happy but neither of us can communicate it to the other.

Perhaps the hardest thing about us being here is that I want to fix things but there is no way to discuss this with you without making things worst. It is these things I always knew were apart of you but disturb me more now. Why is that the things I once found endearing are things that I now find annoy me?

Perhaps it is this wave of constant negativity I feel we are now riding. Perhaps it is in the way that you make not-so-subtle jabs at me when we talk. Perhaps it is that you are never happy during anything we do. Perhaps it is that you find fault in things now. Perhaps it is that I don’t feel like you are supportive of me anymore. Perhaps it is because of jealousy…Perhaps it is because I feel you don’t want me around anymore…

There are so many questions I constantly asking myself. Desperately I am trying to salvage our friendship. But my hands can’t grasp the solution. Instead I feel you slipping through my fingers as I grapple with the reality that this is where we are now. Having to accept that you are fading away by your own choice. That we are not what we once were.

And in the end what feels the worst is knowing that you feel like I have failed you and you don’t even want to communicate this to me so we can resolve this. It is in knowing that you despise me for what you feel I have surpassed you in. And knowing that you are so unhappy with yourself that you can no longer express happiness for other people. It is in knowing that  I could be doing more to try to make things better but there are no definite solutions and I don’t know if I can bring myself to do deal with this uncertainty any longer…

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