I find that now I need to ask myself about the way I act. I feel like gaining a sense of loving myself is that I need to wonder in by doing that I effect the relationships around me. What I find is that I now hold people more accountable for their actions. I think that this can be a sticky issue to toe around. The reason is I never used to hold people accountable. I never used to hold people accountable for their actions. It was like you could do something or not do enough and I would just disregard it. I’d ignore or refuse to acknowledge all the things that weren’t good so that I could cope. And that wasn’t a positive way of coping with things either because in the end I was the one who suffered most. And of course the people who needed to be held accountable would continue to do what they were doing or worst because there was no reprecussions for anything.
I feel like I don’t want to be like that anymore. But now there is a lot of guilt when I do hold people accountable. I don’t usually even call them out on it but now there is a thinking process there. And it’s not unjustified. It’s just that I feel like it comes out subconsciously. I feel like the thought process can be like “you should have done more”. Not that starry eyed mystified girl I was before. I know to some people from my past that this may seem like me being cynical or negative. But I feel like in my own way I am making it clear that “it wasn’t okay that you weren’t there”; “that you did not speak up”; “that what you said/did wasn’t acceptable”. And part of me thinks that if that means some relationships being redefined or eroded may just be a part of starting to respect myself.
I think a part of me still gets wary. I know what it is for someone to take things to the extreme. To let everyone else go when it wasn’t necessary. And if possible I don’t want that. I don’t want to say goodbye to perfectly good relationships. And if anything I just want to redefine some boundaries.
I am used to being forgotten. To not be considered in decisions. I’ve been invisible for so long. And it’s not like I need to be the shinning star for anyone. For so long I’ve allowed myself to get dragged around and been abused by other people. To get emotionally battered and put down. And I am not naïve enough to think it won’t happen again. I just feel like I am more confident in drawing a line and saying “no!” when it needs to be said. I don’t want to be invisible. And I don’t want to be silent.
But I also don’t want to be unapproachable or quick to react. I want my new relationships to be positive. But I don’t want to loose my old ones. I just want the old relationships based on negativity to change for the better…