I think previously I talked about how my brother and sister are more extroverted than I am. They were also the popular kids. The ones who went to parties and went on dates and had plenty of friends. And though I have always gotten along with my siblings (better than they get on themselves) we have a big age gap. My brother is six years older than me my sister is twelve years older than me. Though my brother has anxiety he surely doesn’t have social anxiety. Neither does my sister. And they are great at making instant friends. For example, every time we end up going out to an amusement park my brother and sister have a long awesome conversation with the people there and then walk away with someone’s number. That never happens to me ever. Even when I am there with them.
It makes me wonder how can we be that different even though we grew up in the same household. My mom is really sociable so is my dad (when he wants to be). I myself am not. I think I constantly worry about what others think about me. If they like me. And I think that impacts the social situations I am in.
I guess that now that my sister is home I am reflecting on this more. She asks me about my friends. About what I do. About dating. You know anything. And I feel like not a lot has changed. Explaining my social anxiety is hard because I don’t think she understands why or how I have it. But I try to make her understand. And it reminds me of how these components are normal aspects of life for her and my brother and non-existent in my own life.
I have to tell her that no I am not dating. That I am recovering from years of being reclusive. That I don’t have many people I interact with let alone friends. And she doesn’t get that it’s difficult for me because I try but dating isn’t the easiest thing when you don’t socially interact because you a) don’t have a social group b) don’t get out to social interact c) be strained between work, placements, and school. It’s not like I don’t want to be with someone because I am 22 and basically have less experience than a 13 year old. It’s frustrating because I feel like I could offer something to someone. And even though I know I have things to work on I feel like I have been working on things and I am getting better. And what may be most frustrating is that I don’t think no one will ever want me because I know that people have liked me before but because of no added social interactions it is very restricted.
Partying and friends follow as similar trend to dating. I think it sort of stinks because I think she pities me. I don’t think I am as unhappy as she thinks because I don’t mind my alone time. And committing myself to other people can be hard because of past troubles. However, I am working on that to.
I suppose her being here propagates these thoughts but I think I just wanted to write it out 😛