Recently, I’ve come to understand some of my behaviours. People think that I am positive and happy when they get to know me. But I think I come off as incredibly reserved and I can even seem stand-offish. I think that these are behaviours that may have come to be more pronounced after my social anxiety got worst. I think that the years of being reclusive and not engaging actively in social interactions made me even less socially competent. I know social interactions can be incredibly awkward and hard for me to proceed with. I know that the internal battle is real. However, I don’t think that I ever realized how my behaviours are apparent on the outside.
I think that because of these external behaviours people find it hard to connect with me or intimidated today. Today as an example. For whatever reason people were telling me quite a bit today that they thought that I was pretty. One woman was with her teenage daughter and told me that my complexion was great and that she thought I was gorgeous. I said thank you a few times. And I felt really flustered. One of my co-workers was right next to me. After the lady said it I went back to my job of organizing the clothes.
However, how my coworker saw the interaction as this nice lady saying I was pretty, me getting embarrassed, and then walking away. Which seems really rude. But the thing was I didn’t know what to follow that up with so I said thanks a few times and tried to look busy. Best way of dealing with this situation probably not…
The other thing is my voice isn’t loud. So people seem to mishear me. Like the quiet worker in The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Woman. I’m the dude with the quiet voice who sounds like they are saying completely nonsensical or weird things. Which I am not. People just constantly mishear me and I am just learning this…Like what kind of creepy do you think I am?
But its hard to let people know that I am not a witch with a b. I am just really awkward and I over calculate and over think which makes me have external manifestations to my behaviour. That if I was consciously aware of I would try to rectify. But since I now know that these are behaviours I have I will have to try to work on them.