To be honest it really isn’t the first time she’s said something she finds negative about me to my face. And at first this was probably the thing that appealed to me. However, at some point I started realizing that she uses this as a disguise to say things that hurt your feelings. It may not be entirely intentional but she isn’t happy with herself. And she doesn’t hide that she can’t be happy for others because she isn’t happy. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that sometimes this comes out as negative and hurtful comments.
It shouldn’t have surprised me or even hurt me. But it can be hard when they are close to you and you have faith and trust in them. If she was a stranger I could ignore her or refute the comment. She isn’t a stranger though. I chose to allow her into my life. I chose to let her get close to me. And even now I choose to keep her around despite her attitude towards me.
This isn’t the first time she’s made negative comments about my looks. This isn’t the first time she tries to act like she’s just being honest. And it frustrates the hell out of me that I can be told how many times I am beautiful and from one comment from someone I know is insecure and trying to hurt my feelings I get upset. The thing is I am secure in my looks. I think I am beautiful on the inside and out and have worked for that. I know that physically I am also in a pretty good situation. I can honestly say I like my face and love my body. But it still sucks when she says that she doesn’t think that because she is close to me and her opinion matters.
I was pretty mad after this current time. I didn’t want to deal with her for a few days afterwards. I think that what effects me is the principal behind her words. She knows that I take pride in the way I look. She knows how those comments effect me. She knows that I struggled with my self esteem for years. Yet she still doesn’t care enough to stop her comments because she wants to hurt me. This is something I would never ever do to her. I am constantly supporting her and encouraging her. She doesn’t do that for me anymore. So I suppose I feel the least she could do is not bring me down for whatever reason.
It’s not that she says “oh well your not hot” or she tells me who I can and can’t be with. It’s that she knows how this impacts me we’ve talked about it before. It’s that she doesn’t care enough to change this behaviour. It’s the principal behind this that makes me think that there may be a deeper issue that we need to address in our friendship…