25 days whether it ends good or bad at least I know I will have a month of reprise afterwards…

The last two months of my life have been insane. I don’t think I’ve had quite so much of an emotional rollercoaster in my…well life. You see generally when things have gone wrong or even very wrong in my life it isn’t self-reflective. What I mean by that is that it is someone else who messed up and I get involved in the cross-fire and then somehow I find a way to blame myself even when I have no control over things. But the emotions I’ve had to deal with for the last two months have been situations that are me directed. Things that are based on my performance.  Me trying to bring myself up but others bringing me down because I don’t cut it. It’s been hard. I’ve tried to make things better. Work harder. Get better. But it never seems to be enough.

Several times I wanted to throw my hands up and scream “enough!” but I’m not that person anymore. The me from the past would have given up. The me from now is stronger. That isn’t to say I haven’t had my bad days. Or not to say that I have had several bad days. That I have had these bad days and taken emotions and frustrations on others when it isn’t their fault things are the way they are. I know I am stronger because I’ve had the ability to push throw the garbage and still make it to this point. The 20 day point. That no matter what happens there are 20 days left in total 11 of which to show my chops and 11 days to make or break the effort I’ve put in. Hell, if doesn’t go alright that’s OKAY. the amount of overall stress I’ve had to endure will end. And at the end at least I will have a reprieve of my anxiety and be able to sleep again…

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