One thing that has blatantly apparent to me in the past few months is how guarded I am. I build up my walls so high and though in recent years I’ve tried to slowly bring them down I am still much more guarded than the standard person. The feeling I experience is wanting to let people in but I am still learning how to let people know that I want to let them in. Small victories for me is even saying high and initiating some form of small talk. I think I used to be more open. Before I acted like I just didn’t care what people thought. But at some point I realized that I was tired of that persona. That wasn’t really me it was my defense mechanism. And after a series of events I needed to accept myself and accept that I had a hard time letting people in. Recently, I was challenged head on about it and despite it I had to struggle to make myself open to others.
Despite progress on the social interaction process I still feel like I live life in my head. I’ve spent years working on myself since I was the only company I had. Even now I am still have my introverted tendencies. I value my alone time. And I like making myself a better version of me. That being said I still feel like I think about things more than I act on them. Sometimes feeling regret at not taking that next step. And I am tired of that. I want to live without regrets. That means doing things that are scary. Things that I am not comfortable with and facing things head on. I feel so proud of the progress I have made. In the past few months I’ve been able to see how far my perseverance and strength really go. However, I do want to get out there more. I don’t want to be afraid to get my feet wet.
I know things I want to do in the next year. Everything is so close. I can feel it in-between my fingers. I’m so close to what I’ve been working for my whole life. I’ve finally given myself the tools to make the next steps. To finally free myself from what has been holding myself back most. I’m doing it myself knowing that I worked to create the mental and physical components to make it real.
Is everything perfect? No far from it. But I feel like this is the closest I’ve ever been to having things together. The fundamental things holding me back may still be there. That’s something I need to get over. If I surround myself with the right people it really shouldn’t matter. And I realize I have the self-capacity to deal with life and it’s challenges.
That’s what makes this next chapter so important. I can’t live in my head forever. It’s about time I start living out all my aspirations and goals. Starting now.