The fact that when I don’t think that when I’m not at my best I don’t think I can be accepted by others. I think this whole thing steams from the fact that I wasn’t accepted growing up but that wasn’t for one specific thing. It was quite a few reasons. The main being I wasn’t all that authentic because I was covering myself up. The second being I am shy and not-always very personable. It wasn’t that I wasn’t short on friends it’s that my relationships weren’t real which made me very lonely growing up, even into my teens.
As a young adult I understand that. However, for whatever reason if I am not at my best. If I am not perfect I don’t want to put myself out there. I hold myself back for such simple things and it makes me frustrated with myself. I think it’s me knowing I am not at my best and the response becomes exaggerated….
Over the past year I’ve been very conscious that this is a problem for me. That it’s something I need to work on. I get mad at myself. I always preach acceptance and self-acceptance. I am so quick to accept other people for their faults even love them for them. But for my own? Not so much.
I think that I’ve come a long way to loving myself. But why do I feel like others can’t love me when I am not at my best? Why do I feel like hiding myself away from them because I am unsure of their feelings? Many times my friends have told me I am being absurd when I get into these phases. And the logical side of my brain agrees. But my feelings tell me otherwise.
Small things trigger these insecurities. Small things that most people don’t bat an eyelash at. Maybe because now in my life I don’t have a big social circle it affects me more. But I need to seriously push the boundaries. It doesn’t matter if I am a little off my A-game once in a while. People who really love me should love me even when I am not in tip-top form.
I find that at times though it is difficult reconciling the logical component of things with my feelings and emotions…that’s where the most difficulty lies with me.