It’s confining and it’s maddening. I wish things weren’t like this but I talked until I was blue in the face (figuratively of course!). But I wish you understood. I wish that I could make the decisions I know are best for me without having to worry about your scorn. There are no tears anymore. Because I don’t need to question if I am good enough because I know that I am fine the way I am. I shouldn’t have to modify who I am for you when I know you wouldn’t do the same. Knowing that you have never done so in the past. I hate that there will always be animosity. I know that you may never be accepting of how things are.
Being alone for as long as I was I needed to learn about myself. I had to learn about what makes me, me. I had to learn to accept all of me. Even the parts of me you don’t like. I had to make myself someone who I could be proud of. With no acknowledgement from anyone. I triumphed after going through many obstacles. You were never proud until I found myself and established myself.
Through all of I often feel that you have been the greatest hurtle of all. And that despite you and your influence I still managed to overcome it all and find myself.
I love myself with no shame. I love you still. But I know that I will have to live without acceptance. The child in me always hopes for change. The current me knows that things won’t miraculously change. I need to accept your non-acceptance.
It hurts. But I no longer need you when I have found that all the strength I need is within myself. And I will make it through.