Recently, I’ve been spending more time at home and by myself. It’s been tough because I don’t have a lot of people around me in my life. And they don’t seem to understand what’s going on with me. I think generally people in my life don’t understand anxiety. They don’t understand my anxiety. They don’t understand why I stress about things. It makes talking about my anxiety well…a source of anxiety…I tried talking before and I got a “I honestly don’t even understand how you feel that way. I don’t get it”. Which makes me feel more isolated.
It’s hard right now because when I am not out in the world I think the worst and my anxiety gets worst than usual. I can be very social and I become comfortable with the world again. But when I am so confined I get uncomfortable again and my stress in social situations becomes exaggerated.
On top of that because of this dissatisfaction of not doing school and not working (which I haven’t experienced since 2nd year) . I feel like I’ve needed distraction and support during this time. And I’ve received none. In fact, people have been stressing me out more in my personal life. I know that maybe I am more snappy and short because I am going through this transition period and because I am stressed. But even then I find people have just been very absent and negative. It makes me feel lonelier than I usually do since I have such a small social circle. I end up feeling like I am not being a good friend because I haven’t been taking an active role in other people’s lives but they are never available when I try to reach out. And because of that I don’t feel inclined to hang out with them when they finally het around to caring again.
I find myself feeling really tired and uninspired. I need to shake things up more. I need to get out of this bubble and away from this. I’m so stressed and I feel like I can no longer distinguish how much of my anxiety is from myself and how much is the people around me.
I feel frustrated that there isn’t anyone here to help me during this time. I feel guilt because I am not being everyone’s rock. I feel unlike myself and I don’t like it. I am just hoping I get hired soon, maybe even meet some new people.