The logical part of my brain knows that this isn’t right…

I’ve mentioned (probably several times at this point) that I’ve been overweight for most of my life. I received quite a bit of scorn for my weigh growing  up. Over the past four years I’ve managed to keep the weight off. But with a combination of anxiety, PCOS, and generally low self-esteem (at least how I believe others perceive me) has led to emotional challenges regarding my weight. The logical part of me understands that weight fluctuations happen to be a part of my PCOS, I really shouldn’t stress or experience anxiety for the weight fluctuations I have. But there is always fear and anxiety that I may gain back all the weight that I managed to lose. Currently, I am not on any medications because I am not seeing a specialist about my weight right now (I hated the one I was seeing previously…seriously I can rant an entire post long about what an idiot this guy was). I have really tried over the past few years to come to be more accepting and loving of myself. I feel for the most part I have been successful. I’ve come to love myself in a way that I never was able to in the past.

I think that part of the problem stems from how unhappy I was when I was young which part of my mind associates with me being overweight. These things may have been somewhat related but I don’t honestly believe that it was the only thing that contributed to my unhappiness. At the same time as the worst of my unhappiness I wasn’t doing well in school, my support system was in shambles and was doing much more harm than good, my friends at the time were not good ones and made me feel like my weight made me less than  human. I know that these things are all things that contributed to how I felt about myself. At this point in my life I have become much more independent, I’ve accomplished so much. I no longer require the acceptance of superficial friends to feel good about myself. I am also not naïve enough to believe the positive changes that I have made in my life are not only attributed to my advancements to my weight. Most of the improvements I ended up making were psychological, emotional, intellectual.

Even if I took account of the physical improvements I have made I feel like they can’t be measured only by the scale. Nutritionally, I can make much better decisions and I feel pride knowing that I know how to make good nutritional decisions and plan around them. I also feel pride knowing that physically I am capable of doing so much more than I could do previously. I find that with my PCOS sometimes my weight increases even though I am making good decisions. That being said I can’t imagine how much worst they would be if I was making bad ones or the ones I used to make previously. I know I am doing the right things right now and if I stick it out I will be back to my regular weight in a month or two.

But for right now I shouldn’t stress about it like I am. I know that logically I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t hold myself back because of this. I feel like I am being completely irrational. I feel more frustrated because I no I am not being rational about this. I should have no reason to hold myself back. I need to confront why I feel like other people will only like me for my outer appearance. When I know that, that isn’t the truth. I know that my weight hasn’t contributed to many of the accomplishments that I have managed these past few years. And it isn’t weight = unhappiness. I need to work on this being aware of it is the beginning but I need to work through what is going on with me mentally when these weight fluctuations occur.

 

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