I don’t want to be angry but I kind of am…

Recently things have been tough. I am used to this with you though. Our relationship is such that we have periods when we are attached at the hip. We text all the time and want to spend time together. One of the drawbacks of this though is that since we spend as much time as we do and have known each other as long as we have we know each other’s habits. Some of which neither of us love in the other. So now we are experiencing one of those wedges. I feel bad about the whole thing because we are keeping distance. In our circumstances this works out alright because we always gravitate back together and things right themselves. It’s not like we are fighting during these periods we just drift apart a little bit and so do I. But we keep in close contact once in a while which allows the other to know that we are alive and we are OK.

Now right now things are a little different. I wasn’t ready or prepared for this drift. One second things were fine and then you were suddenly abrupt. I can’t help but feel like I was a little hurt and feeling less than impressed that you no longer had  time for me. Maybe this is worst because I am such a loner. When you are like that it makes it even harder that I don’t have others to fall back on in these periods so I don’t take it as hard as I do. But apparently I skipped the memo on how to make friends so I don’t have many. And as I’ve grown older and my circumstances have changed I wonder if I got worst at making friends or something…

But getting back to you. I was a little annoyed that you were acting like I wasn’t worth the time. It was to familiar to another pattern. I don’t always understand why others have such a hard time making time for me when I am often times just as if not busier for most of the year and I still jump to make things work. Now here I am wondering how much I am really worth to others. And I can’t help but wonder what I am doing wrong to make others not want to invest as much as I am willing to put into them.

Now you come back to me as if everything is fine. But it’s not fine. It doesn’t feel fine. And I am frustrated because I know you leave soon and I won’t see you for weeks. I shouldn’t let my insecurities and anger shroud our friendship. But I am angry and I am not sure if when we hang out I will be able to cover up my hurt. I will probably endure it anyway because I know that I value more than how I am currently feeling. It’s just that when  things are like this I can’t help but truly feel how I need to expand my social circle so when things aren’t great with one person it doesn’t feel like my only social circle has fallen apart and has left me truly alone.

 

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