I’m so tired of him…

I don’t know why maybe it’s because of how long I’ve known him. Maybe it’s all the years we were apart. Maybe it’s because of all the ties that I have to you. But I can’t stand this feeling anymore. You back me into a corner and force your expectations on me. I hate that you don’t care about me and try to make everyone else believe that you love me. It scares me. You have so much of an influence on my family. If I am cruel to you I feel I may loose some of them. That it will shatter my relationship with them. This is something you know. You hold it over my head. Many of my friends there are your friends. Have been your friends. I love them. They are good people but they think we should be together because of what you tell them. I doubt you have told them the truth of what my reactions are to  your advances.

I don’t know how many times I have to say “no”. Before you leave me alone. You don’t live anywhere near me. It would be so easy for me to click a button and erase all forms of contact. Then again I am scared of the ripples that will cause. I am so tired of being scared. I am so tired of thinking you judging all aspects of my life. You follow my actions. You judge my actions. It’s like you think you have a claim on me. I’m not just some object. You can’t just state that you own me and think it ends there. It doesn’t. I am a human being too. I want to be treated like one. I wanted to be treated like I have a choice.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried rejecting you. I’ve tried talking to you. I’ve tried being rationale with you. Instead all I’ve gotten from  you is anger and harsh backlash. You’ve tried to make me feel guilty. Make me feel guilty for not wanting to be with you. You’ve tried cornering me. I never use social media anymore because I know that you are there. In a way I feel trapped.

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Every time I receive messages from you I become stressed. My anxiety shoots through the roof. Why can’t you just give up? It’s been five years. Several rejections and talks. I’m so over it. I’m so over you. I don’t want you talking to me anymore. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I’m tired of your blatant disregard for my feelings. I’m tired of you pretending you know me or my life. In the five years of this mess you have never once asked me about my life, school, friends, work. Anything. Because you don’t care about those things. All you ever care about are the pictures I post, or assumptions you make about me.

I am not an object. I am not your shiny new toy. I am not the after options when things aren’t going well with your girlfriend.

 

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I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve tried to make you see this. You aren’t good for me. You aren’t good for my health. All positive feelings that I had towards you have been overshadowed by the negative emotions that have been brought about with this fiasco. I’m so tired of you and I just want this to end.

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