It seems sad to be writing this but it’s because I finally came to this epiphany. I’ve always known that our relationship was tough. That we were a little to co-dependent. Especially, in recent years. I’ve honestly struggled to keep it going. At times wondering why I was still doing it. But you were there through everything and even though we have our issues I knew we could work through them. I always thought that you could see my efforts, that you appreciated them. There were always times I doubted though. I hated that you seemed to be happy about when I was struggling because it made you feel more assured. It was hard that you never seemed to want to be with the rest of us. You did things that didn’t seemed irrational to hurt yourself that I didn’t understand. But I was always there because I wanted to have your best interest at heart and because I wanted to be there for you. I felt I owed it to you because you had been there for me.
I was hoping I was a good support for you. Primarily, over this year I think I’ve come to realize how wrong I was. You don’t have the same perception of our relationship. And a few to many times you’ve said things to imply how you really feel. I would never want to force a wedge between us over a misunderstanding but I don’t think I am. You’ve flat out said. Made it clear for me. Wanted me to know how it was. And me with my rose coloured glasses tried to see the positivity in it. Only to realize that I need to stop doing it and face the reality of the situation.
You think I am holding you back. It’s plain a simple. It as if to say the things you haven’t done from your own reservations are my fault. And that is simply something I can’t agree with. It’s not as if I am blind to your faults. Nor are you blind to my own. But I’ve never blamed you. And I feel I can never do right by you. When I am doing well you are unhappy for me and say it to bring me down. When I do horribly you rejoice because you feel I am in the same position as you. And consistently I am the one holding you back? What can I possibly do to make things right by you? Can I even ever do right by you ever? Do I even care enough anymore?
It’s so taxing being with you at times. Part of me wonders if I should cut the cord. But I still value you so much. I wouldn’t want to loose you because of this. But this isn’t healthy anymore. And I don’t like how that now you think you are doing better that all you weren’t able to achieve was my fault. It’s frustrating.
I don’t want things to be over…but I don’t want to continue things as they are either. I can’t feed into this as much as I am though. I can’t be this invested when ultimately I am now making myself unhappy. I will have to see how things go from there…The one thing I really know is that I won’t allow myself to be your excuse anymore…