This year…

Over the past year I’ve really come to learn about our dynamics. For many years, I blamed myself. I thought that I was at fault. I want things to be deeper between us because often times I think things are superficial. Even unidirectional. I put so much effort into us and I don’t think you do. There is this bond between us that connects us through our lifetimes. Our lives are forever linked regardless of whether or not we particularly like each other at that moment.

Sometimes I feel like  I am the problem. Maybe I am looking for problems where they don’t exist. But when I see the cracks in our relationship I know I am not the only one because other people see them too if they really take the time to look.

I love you. At the end of the day I will always love you. I care for you. Often times more than I care for myself. I know you love me but sometimes I think you don’t care enough. There is nothing that I can do about that though. I can’t change how you feel.

A younger more naïve me would have blamed myself completely. As I’ve grown older though I realize that it is a two way street. I can be the one to initiate contact every time. I can be there to listen. I  can try to initiate things we can do together. But if you aren’t receptive to it then I have played my role in things.

I often times worry. Because I won’t be in this place forever. I have full intentions of leaving this place soon enough. If that happens then what?  Will we be further apart? Will you try to see me where I am? Or will we simply drift apart? Send a few holiday and birthday cards every so often with a generic message. At worst we may just stop talking. That thought terrifies me. I know we’ve talked about it in passing. Joked about it. But we feel it looming over us. We both know that it is a possibility.

Perhaps that is the fear. That once I am not in this position to be the main force behind this relationship. And when I am no longer convenient to see, we probably will see each other even less. You’ve already moved on with your life but I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t want to let our relationship completely erode.

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