I am 23, 23…and to be honest there isn’t much I have done socially. Right now my social life is basically at an all time low. Which is saying something for someone like me who has never been one to have many friends or had healthy relationships. Just when I feel comfortable and safe something happens to shake that security up. Though I hate to admit this each time it has happened it’s made me trust people less. It makes me withdraw even more. I feel like I’m so withdrawn now that even if I tried I couldn’t reach out, or socialize like a normal human being.
It’s hard enough that I’ve been like this for three years now. Literally, with only one friend to call my own. To be honest I’m even terrified that the one friend I have managed to procure will disappear or get tired of me at any time. Having, only one friend also makes me feel clingy. Maybe I am? Maybe I’m not? I don’t know we text, and get together once or twice a week which to some may seem clingy…
But I think the worst part of being this way is I feel like I am missing out on life. I’m 23 graduated, in the process of certification and employment, and even though I’ve been in high school and university I can’t say I’ve had the student experience.
I can’t say I went to clubs, or went crazy, that I made tons of friends, or got into relationships.
I really can’t. Cause I’ve done zilch.
I was a good little bunny and studied my butt off, worked, volunteered, and spent most of my time alone.
Sometimes I make connections with people. But it’s usually pretty fleeting and after awhile they simply forget about me or they just don’t care enough. At closest I can say we are friendly acquaintances but not friends and somehow knowing that I can get that close but not make the cross over to friends is almost more frustrating to me then when there is no relation with another person at all.
Did I miss a lesson on socializing? Did I miss something on being a likeable person? I’m not sure…it just feels like I’ve missed out on acting my own age, having a good time, making friends…Will I be like this forever?
Sometimes I wonder if I will wake up forty and still be this way…with nothing to show for it.
It’s not like I don’t know why it is this way. I have my own problems with socializing. But I add to that a dynamic of knowing that I have constant restraint on my actions because of the scorn I will face from people close to me.
I want to have the freedom to do what I want with my life but I know I can’t do it here. Not under the microscope anyway…
I know I’m leaving this town soon. But it doesn’t make being alone any less lonely. And it’s scary. I can’t make friends in a town where I know several inhabitants…will I even be able to make friends in a new city?