It really doesn’t have power over me anymore…

I’ve written about my weight struggles in the past and loosing it before, so I guess this is just another installment to that list.

So this year I gained more weight than I usually do.This year was tough because it posed a whole other biological obstacle. It may be a combination of PCOS and what I may suspect as being UC or Crohn’s but I was unable to manage the weight gain in the usual way. I was honestly very worried about how I would feel about myself if I gained weight. I think part of that is that I was terrified of going back to the negative space I was a teenager and I was insecure.

When I first lost weight there was always a drive for me to get thinner. I wanted to be smaller but I wasn’t getting there and it was frustrating. I couldn’t talk about it with my friends because they couldn’t understand. Some of them were unhappy because I had lost weight and had based our friendship on superficial reasons. Others themselves were struggling with body image issues and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or discourage them by being unhappy.

I ended up keeping it to myself. I think funnily enough the thing that ended up giving me a boost was working in fashion retail during my undergrad. I think that job really helped me learn about myself and gave me the opportunity to branch out and learn about myself, I learned about what I liked and what I didn’t like and things that complimented my body. I also had really great coworkers who helped assert a positive self-narrative for myself.

So this year I gained more weight than usual. I was terrified that I’d gain it all back and that if I did I would be as miserable as when I was younger. But what I have learned about that? I actually feel pretty good about myself. I’ve learned to love myself over the past few years. I’ve learned that I may not be perfect and may never be perfect but the people who I surround myself should me, for me and love me for how I am.

When I was a child/teen I didn’t understand that. I surrounded myself by people who fed into the negative self-depiction I had created of myself and it only made things worse.

Now? I know that regardless of my body size that I am beautiful and though I understand that others may not always feel that way but it shouldn’t bring me down. I mean even celebrities have haters right?

Anyway I guess what I am getting at here is that I am just really happy that I learned this about myself. I like that I feel like am in control now and that I could love myself at any size. This is the kind of thing I had always dreamed about and now I am here and it feels awesome!

On another note things aren’t always great, sometimes how you feel about yourself can be a roller coaster, I’ve had awesome days and I’ve had my bad days, but what I think is most important is that on those bad days if you can you try to through some positivity in there, you are beautiful, you are capable, and you deserve to feel that way!

Keep warm and feel the love!


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