My frustration…with not knowing and the what ifs that follow…

I feel very conflicted recently. I know that I am young but it feels like time is slipping away from me. And though I try desperatly to catch up I can’t. I feel like physically I am trying hard to be “normal” because I have no idea how long I will be undiagnosed for. I’ve tried doing more to show people that I AM trying but then I hit a wall. “It’s anxiety, it’s stress, just sleep more. You’re young you’ll be fine.” But that’s not really the case. I’ve tried to live thinking maybe your depressed cheer up your energy will return. But this isn’t depression. At least I don’t think so. I haven’t been a lick sad like I do when I am experiencing depression.

I am tired don’t get me wrong. But it’s the physical, my eyes no longer function tired. The my body can’t coordinate movements so I tremor and twitch constantly tired. And also the the I can’t fall asleep for more than 15 minutes at any given time. Or that I wake up at 3am almost every night and feel searing pain in my abdomen in the same spot and can’t sleep for hours.

I’m frustrated that there is some form of internal bleeding happening within my body and because my bloodwork doesn’t show I am dying that I’m not getting help for it. I tell myself leave it alone it may be in your head, it’s not getting worst but it doesn’t stop that it is happening.

But in a way it is getting worst. My GI symptoms are worsening and somewhere in me it feels like something isn’t right. I wouldn’t care if it was something not serious at all like hey you are missing XYZ in your diet. I’d say great and work it.

I’ve had to make tough choices. Now that I am here what do I professionally? I can’t work 12 hour days if I can’t physically function doing nothing. Them I tell myself your being lazy maybe you are just lazy like other people think. Buck up. Then you eat dinner that night and can’t sit straight because your chest and stomach feel like they are tearing. So you sit hunched for an hour till it passes. That’s the other thing then. I can’t remember the last time I ate something and didn’t feel awful right after. Nothing feels good to eat to me anymore. I’m just going on autopilot

Sometimes I get hungry and sometime I’m just not. Regardless its never fun its not enjoyable. It’s just something I do to survive.

Sometimes I gripe over if I am being overdramatic. Other times I wonder if I’m not taking myself seriously enough…a good example is a few days ago my dad said he was feeling warm. So I reached out and grabbed his hand. He was shocked at how cold I was. Even though I was inside and wearing an incredibly thick sweater. I was so cold that holding his hand for a few minutes managed to bring his temp down. I had to explain to him that peripherally I’m just not warm. I’m always cold. My hands and feet are always cold. I don’t heat up ever. I don’t even use ice packs for things cause chances are my hands’ll do the job just as well as ice.

I’m scared about what is happening with my strength being fine at some moments and then shit all at others. Like if you cant hold a plate how can you do the profession you know is a physical challenge?

I can’t say that no this isn’t stress or anxiety because I feel both those things. I feel them even more knowing that hey you have no clue what’s going on. I know something is wrong maybe its a few somethings. But I’m not really even sure how to unpack them because I’m not sure what avenues to follow medically.

I feel like part of me accepts that this is my reality right now and I need to figure out how I can make real progression without doing myself in. But there is a lot of outside pressure to figure out what I am doing. To grow up, to stop having excuses, and I ask myself will anyone take me seriously anymore? How do I become the me I want to eventually realize. Can I be her the way I am right now? Or will I need to find out what us happening in my body first?

To be honest it is all overwhelming and scary.

And I ask myself is mental? Is it physical? Could it be both?

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