I still can

So I’ve been dealing with some undiagnosed illness for over a year now. Things started really getting worse in September of 2016. Since then my health has been spiraling. On the plus side my body has finally started to show signs of inflammation in some of my test results. I’m now only waiting on some more test results. I mean I can’t say I’m super stoked because I’ve been let down before thinking I’d finally get a diagnosis and didn’t. So I’m being hopeful but I’m not counting any chickens before they hatch.

The thing is I still have things I need to do. I write an entrance exam next week. One I’ve been preparing for, for months now. I try to give myself positive affirmation but I know how hard things have been on myself recently. I’m just trying to do what I can in my current state. I’d like to say I’ll pass though.

I feel like my close loved ones are putting a lot of pressure on me about this exam. And it’s like I obviously want to pass it. I obviously want to move on in my life. I want to tell myself I prepared enough. But in the’ just in case scenario’ I know I will be okay.

There are so many times I didn’t have the energy in me to DO something but I pushed through it. I tried my best. And sometimes it really did feel like I was breaking down. In fact it seems that, that is exactly what my body is doing. My tests seem to be indicating muscle wasting.

I still try to move forward though. I have faith that things will get better. I may never be “normal” but I do believe that there will be something to make me more functional again. That hopefully some of my symptoms can be controlled. Because trust me it’s not fun having no balance and having random vertigo (first time that happened I was driving! Needless to say I’ve been staying away from the car. Worst I can do is trip on the bus).

Despite everything that’s gone onI feel like I still CAN. Maybe not in the way others like but I still CAN do things. I still CAN live a happy life.

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