That things aren’t easy for me. That this isn’t just mental. That I am trying my best to be ‘normal’ when my body can’t handle that.
Sometimes I wish they could see that being angry and punishing me doesn’t actually make me feel more motivated it just brings me down. Because I am already trying so hard and I when I push myself too far I ultimately end up suffering for it.
It’s not that I don’t see where they are coming from. I know they love me. It’s just that the way they are showing their love isn’t helping me. It’s hurting me more.
What I need is to recuperate. To focus on getting treated for whatever this is. So that I can get better. Even if I am not ‘normal’ I want to stop deteriorating. I want to stop this illness from progressing further. I want to get a handle on the exhaustion I feel and the pain I am always in.
I know to them whatever this is isn’t real. It’s all in my head. But my body is saying something different. I don’t think this is in my head. But I feel like if I start having problems on that front it may be due to the lack of support I feel at times.
The only person I can talk to is my best friend about this. She’s the only one who knows what it’s like to have a phantom illness ravage her body and cause devastating effects. She also knows what it’s like going through that faced with the similar scorn and anger I often face. In her case it took 10 years until she got helped and it’s been 2 of trying to get her back to ‘normal’.
It isn’t easy because there are times when I really just need them to understand that my goals are not dead. And that I am honestly trying. I may not being going at the pace that they want but I am doing what I can. I often times still push myself too hard. I do things that aren’t healthy like ignoring my symptoms until they snowball to the point where for several days to a week I need to recover.
It’s not that I am being lazy. Or that I am burnt out. It’s that I am suffering physically. Daily. Every hour, every minute. And yet still there has been no cure.
Ultimately, I know that there will be some kind of help that I may receive. It may be sooner it may be later. But until then I am in this sort of limbo where I am not my regular overachiever self. And I have had to come to accept that.
I just sometimes wish that they could see that. Rather than treat me like I am a disappointing them.