To say I had a bad week would be understating it. To say this week is starting off dragging the muck from last is accurate.
Last week I had a family member die. We all knew it was coming and he was very, very old. In all honesty, the day before he died I prayed, I prayed that the poor man would be put to rest without anymore suffering. Because in the last five years he lost his sight, mobility, was covered in bedsores, and had many other problems. It was sad because we don’t live in the same country so it’s very hard to monitor the care he gets there and though his immediate family tried they couldn’t really get his health under control. There were many circumstances around the death that went really well for him. All the cultural rituals have been carried out but one.
But that leads to the next problem. The infighting has been crazy. I’m not involved in it but it has made being apart of things impossible from where I am. And traveling to go was just not an option. We already sent my dad. But we thought that would be best. But I haven’t felt included in anything and my feelings haven’t been dealt with. I can’t talk to anybody about how much I miss him, how much I loved him, and wish I could have seen him or talked to him one last time. That I will miss his voice and prayers. That he was the only grandparent that I could remember because my only other grandparent who was alive to see me was gone when I was only a year old. It is sad.
I haven’t been able to grieve though because numero 3. Which is my cats problems. One of my cats got a hairball a week and half ago. Thought it was over with but since then his brother got one too (a week ago) and it’s just been a boomerang problem. Part of the reluctance to go to the vet yet again is that this is their 6th visit in 6 months. And no I’m no ‘new cat-momma these aren’t I don’t know my cats yet and so I jump the gun’. It’s that there is literally always something going on with these cats since I got them. And I love them and I try my hardest to do the best for them but it is so, so hard when you have not one but two pets that are constantly getting sick and that you are constantly taking to the vet and that problems are constantly not being dealt with by said vet because there are just to many factors to actually blame on any one thing. In this situation specifically last month went to the vet. Cat threw up blood and hairball but I took them both in. We deduced it could have been I was changing their food too frequently or a food allergy to chicken. So I complied stopped changing foods. That very day things got better with no medical intervention, till this month now the food is devilsthing not agreeing with them and I don’t know if it is because they both had hairballs last week and maybe they are still there or b) if the food is giving them a reaction because it contains chicken. So vet visit number 6 here we come!
The thing is my cat problems are a known thing. I know it’s hard for them to understand but for them it’s let them die or get rid of them. And for me that’s just not on the table. Am I stressed when my cats get sick? Of course I am good pet owners do. But I am going to keep doing what I can for my cats. Even if it seems impractical because that’s the bond we share.
Then there’s the arguments. I feel like I am fighting with the universe over my health. Okay not the universe but most of my loved ones. My health problems for the most part have not been validated until recently (I am still waiting on my last results). But I’ve been getting sicker and sicker. I go to my doctor for problems that I can’t ignore and that always come up (primarily my kidneys) and I won’t address more serious problems because I am scared to get shot down or be faced with scorn. It isn’t right but part of me thinks that until things start showing up in my tests I won’t be listened to. My loved ones and I have been having rows because everyone has felt that now is the time to tell me tha I am stressed and that I need to get over it. I literally had to walk away when a family member said “well I’m not the one who said there’s nothing wrong with you. The healthcare professionals did. And I took you to appointments and they said it was nothing.” You know what prompted this? I mentioned that I had nose ulcers, because I have them externally now (though not big) and later in the day they started bleeding. I didn’t tell them that though because I know the reaction will be blamed on stress or depression that’s the explanation they have for
- My hair falling
- My kidneys
- My exhaustion
- My clinical test results
- My joint deformity and pain
- My weakness
- My nose ulcers
- My extra heart sounds
- My GI symptoms
Let’s get this straight. I’m the medical professional in the family. Not them. And when I went to my GP and laid out some of the cards he knew exactly where I was going and knew that getting a diagnosis would not be easy. Because in the case of what I may have it could take weeks, months, or even years to diagnose. And I dread that during the process of getting a diagnosis I may get brow beaten by everyone around me that it’s nothing and that I need to get over it. Sad thing is my family is not new to the “it’s nothing when it’s not” because often times with health issues it’s not that it’s ‘nothing’ it’s that you aren’t seeing the right person for your problem specifically.
On top of that I’ve got an exam this week. Yay me!
But basically grandpa died, my cats have been on and off hairballing since then which has meant tons of cleaning of puke and though that stage is over and they are eating, pooping, and not throwing up their are signs on an inflamed GI tract and that could be because of a) food allergy or b) hairball neither is going to be fun to deal with. Then there’s constant arguments over how people think I am feeling rather than listening to what I actually am feeling and last but not least exam. In that order.
To say I am exhausted under the wait of all of this is the understatement of the century.