In the scheme of all that’s happened I think I lost myself a little bit. I have become more isolated than I would like to be because of whatever’s been going on. I’ve had to ask myself what can I do to make myself happier? What can I do to make myself feel like I have some control? What can I be doing starting now?
Part of this is financial. I don’t know how long I will continue to be a ‘medical mystery’ for. Realistically, it could be months or even years, that’s just how the medical system is. It’s not that something isn’t happening but sometimes it takes time to find the right medical professional who can help you. Needless to say I haven’t found that person and it could be awhile.
Here’s what I think. I think that I can’t continue to not do things because I fear retribution from other people who can’t see my challenges. I do need to be doing more for myself so that I can feel like myself. I am not going to push myself to hard to chase ‘happiness’ like I did at other times but I want to make more progressive steps to get there.
Alright so where do I want to end up? Ultimately, I want to become completely independent. On the track that I am going this will probably not happen till 2018. However, once I get there I can make a really good salary in what I went to school for. This requires me going back to school probably within the next few months. That hinges on me passing a standardized exam. Which I’ve been working towards but have been struggling with because of whatever has been happening…what I need to do? Do what I need to do so that I can try to retain the most information I can over whatever time period I require to pass.
Okay now that’s done what else do I want for myself? I want to meet new people. Okay, cool! How? Well right now finances are extremely tight. So maybe not right now if what you are doing costs money. But how about finding like hobbies? Even if it’s just a hang out. Meetups provides groups of people with like interests. Who share your interests don’t be afraid to try it once or twice a month,
You’ll need a better income more stable hours. You aren’t a machine mind you but since it’s summer there’s a good possibility you can find something decent, don’t kill yourself working but being able to pay some bills and not be red will feel better then where you are at right now.
Some other things that might make you feel a little better will be when you can afford to buy leggings that aren’t all holes, and tanks that don’t have ripped straps! Or even pants that aren’t jeans that aren’t destroyed. Think to the future! By this time you might be able to afford fixing your eyebrows, or getting a haircut! The possibilities are endless.
I want to go on a short day trip with Jay. Hopefully we can find a weekend I’m feeling better but I really miss camping. Even if it’s only for a night or two it would be so much fun.
I kind of want to play my hand at a relationship. This one’s scary and uncertain. I’m not sure what’s happening but I don’t think I’m dying anymore? So how bout a Amy Farrah Fowler date. Go on one a year if it’s that awful just so you can at least tell yourself you tried. You need to remind yourself that if you are both consenting adults and that you are honest with them that they are capable of making their own decisions. Tell them about how you are unsure about your health. If you are still dealing with this by then. And let THEM decide for themselves.
At the very least September you audition for vocal bootcamp. Hopefully you feel better by then but if not you’re vocal quality is still decent so work with what you’ve got. And if you don’t make it, it was something new and courageous and you tried it! Signing up was for sure the scariest part!
Let’s be real here. Some of these are Band-Aid solutions. Ultimately, profession does have a lot of impact on your self-esteem. But that’s okay Chula. Living life again even at a slower pace is better than not living it at all. And taking time to look forward in the little things will give me the strength to overcome some of the difficult things that will get me down sometimes.
Sometimes it’s been hard for me to socialize with new people but surrounding yourself with new people that make you feel positive and love you for who you are makes helps affirm your inner positivity. It’s about not letting this take complete control over your life and being able to get a little more freedom.
What matters is that we find ourself again so we can be the me you want to be.