Our Relationship Isn’t a Good One…

I think over the years my perspective of our relationship has changed. I don’t think it will ever be ‘good’. However, you are a presence in my life I can’t remove. I want us to get along better. I want to be able to come to you in my good times and bad times and expect some sort of comfort but honestly? That isn’t the case, not even remotely. If I am going through a good time I can expect you to make it bad and if I have a bad time I can expect you to make it worse.

I’ve come to have no expectations of you period because you always let me down. If you don’t immediately, you find a way to throw it in my face later. Which is actually more painful. I’d rather you do nothing at all then act like you’ve done something good only to exploit me for it later.

You’ve profoundly affected my self-worth. In many ways I had to overcome you. Become something despite having you. You can be the meanest person if you want to be, recently, that’s been more often than not honestly.

I’m not that young innocent, impressionable girl anymore though. I realise that I am worth more than what you give me: I am not worthless. I have worth and a purpose. I wish that you could see that but you don’t. You probably never will if after 15 years of my life you not seeing that.

I have potential and talents. I’ve laid my life down for yours more times than I count. Truthfully, as an adult I can’t do that anymore. I love you. There’s no doubt about that. But you are so, so toxic. You make me toxic.

I don’t like who I am when I am around you, it’s just one battle after the other. Most times I can ignore you but sometimes I can’t and when I try to defend myself in a less offensive manner I just feel angry.

There’s a rage inside of me because of what you’ve done, what you haven’t done. But it’s not me who can resolve what you will or won’t do. I can only control myself when I am around you. Sometimes that’s more challenging than others.

Sadly, the best way for us to function is with distance. Because nothing is good enough for you, ever. It makes me feel worse the more I am around  you. So distance is the only solution.

Nobody else understands why we are so toxic. They don’t see the you I’ve had to live with. They don’t understand that there is this cruel angry side to you that is beyond reproach.

I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I mess up. Sometimes I can be rather hard to deal with. But given the nature of our relationship I’d think you’d try to be supportive or take the high road. That’s NEVER happened. Maybe it’s a cultural difference. But even when I talk to you about something minor about the fact that you ignore me constantly, that you have for fifteen years, you roll your eyes. Or tell me how I am feeling.

I’ve never even been able to talk about the deeper parts of my pain because you won’t hear it. You don’t care. At least not enough to change anything to make things better. You don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Which simply isn’t the case.

I don’t care what anyone thinks but during all the impressionable years of my life you made me feel less than human. I had to work and work hard to build myself up again. The fact that I got there and was still, am still, frequently doing things for you without question, that I AM trying is more than you’ve ever done for me.

And I am angry and frustrated because there’s no fixing us.

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