A Tangled Knot

Right now my life is like a tangled knot. With all the strings of my life interweaving and overlapping. It’s chaotic, it’s overwhelming, and time consuming to unravel. What I want is to be able to untangle some of these strings and have some sense of order over my life again.

I’ve worked really hard within the past few weeks to make things better but all these random things came out of nowhere adding to my stress. I ended up being so stressed with all of it because it was crazy. There have been times when I thought I had overcome the hill but had to climb it again, this time with even more obstacles.

I am honestly trying my best just to figure out strands of my life set them in a way that I am able to live with so that I am able to move forward with my life. So that I can be in a place where I am at a place with my life that I can live with.

I know rather well that things are already going to be challenging because of what is happening with my physical body but I still want to feel that I am fulfilled and proud of where I am in my life.

I want to be able to define myself again not just over the professional or educational things but I want to feel like I am doing something again. That I am apart of something again.

It’s just that the road to it hasn’t been as easy. I mean on the plus side I don’t feel like I am suffocating anymore because I managed to figure some things out. But honestly there isn’t a long term fix until August and I need to ensure that I am in both the financial and educational place in which I can reach those goals by September.

I’ve laid some ground work but there are very real concerns over what happens to me within even 2 weeks financially. What I need to do next. What more I can do? Because finances are such a mess right now. My cats are sick with food allergies and the cost for the diet they are on to support that, is expensive. They experienced many peaks and troughs and so I made the decision to do something before another trough. I still have my exams waiting on me, still have school to figure out (which requires me passing the exam), still need to figure out work (which has felt impossible), I’ve tried applying for repayment assistance for my student loan, but my student line of credit is exorbitant.

However, I can’t pay off the big loans or make the big life transitions without getting a full-time well-paying job and without continuing my education further I won’t be in a position where I can physically handle my job.

Unfortunately, overexertion causes real problems in my hands and wrists, it doesn’t take much to make the joints swell, and there is noticeable deviation in my fingers and wrists. It makes the weight of the fatigue heavier as well. I don’t really have much of a choice though.

I feel like in this world we face pressure financially in almost every avenue of our lives, school, health, social, pets, housing, food. It all has expense and when you are struggling to make expenses it simply makes the situation more stressful and overwhelming.

I guess that’s not the only thing is. It’s that feeling of feeling like you don’t belong to anything or any group. It took less than 8 months to basically feel like I didn’t belong anywhere and I wasn’t able to go back anywhere. It was like all the time I spent and all these things I was proud of and felt like I belonged to didn’t mean as much to other people. I have never been naïve but it was still rather eye opening.

It seems that the only person who can unravel this knot is me. Which is to be expected really. It’s not as if I relied on anyone else to unravel it for me. I just don’t think I realized how alone I was or even how quickly things would snowball. I am grateful for the help and support I received from my family and friends. However, there’s still many things for me to overcome. I know where I want to be. Getting there is a whole other battle. I have faith that I will be able to overcome this. It’s just a matter of when I will finally untangle this knot.

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