I think that like other situations I could have resorted to old measures and just let you do your thing and acted like things were fine. But I’m not into that. I’m not anymore. Maybe last year I would’ve been more into acting like this situation was solely my fault for your sake because I felt bad for the personal struggle you are going through. But the thing is I am changing. It’s not that I don’t care but this has been 6 months. And it’s certainly not the first time we’ve been here before because of your behaviour.
I’ve always been so cautious never wanting to make the wrong move, or say the wrong. And it can be really hard walking the line of helpful or hurtful. But the whole thing is I think you’d argue or attack regardless, cause that’s just who you are now. So I was honest. You asked and I sent an honest synopsis of where we stand. The thing is I know there are lot of honest things I could say that would probably hurt you and that’s not my intention. But for the first time in a long time I expressed how I actually feel without fear of your retribution.
Based on your response I know I obviously stepped on some nerves. But to be honest? I am proud of myself. I am proud that I could actually be express that no this isn’t some superficial problem that’s going to be better by tomorrow. That we aren’t in the best place, and that we should accept that. The thing is is I am done forcing that things are perfect rhetoric. That we must hang out a certain number of times, or send a certain number of texts, to show things are good. They aren’t. So why must we act like they are? There are things that seriously need to be worked before things are better. And maybe you weren’t happy that I wasn’t acting like things are perfect. But they truly aren’t.
I am all for accepting, acknowledging, and apologizing for my roles in problems. However, I am not going to forge forward being the only one who does. I am not going to keep sweeping your behaviour under the rug because it simply isn’t okay. And just as you are making choices I am making my own…
I am proud of myself because for the first time in a long time I am being honest in a troublesome situation without running away like a coward, without avoiding conflict for taking sole custody of the problem. For the first time I am not just making myself accountable for this relationship but you too. For the first time I am not allowing myself to be someone else’s collateral. For the first time in a conflict situation I am taking care of me.