Right now my life is like a tangled knot. With all the strings of my life interweaving and overlapping. It’s chaotic, it’s overwhelming, and time consuming to unravel. What I want is to be able to untangle some of these … Continue reading
Have you ever been in a situation when you thought the pressure couldn’t be any heavier and then out of nowhere more things pile up? I feel like when I was a kid life was all about “trying your best” … Continue reading
I love my cats. Penguin and Bagheera are two lovely aspects of my life. Emotionally, there have been times that they’ve been so good. Wonderful companions with the sweetest temperaments.
The problem is both Bagheera and Penguin are chronically sick and I feel like I am no longer equipped to deal with it. I’ve had them for less than 2 years and have paid close to $2000 in vet bills. And yet again I need to go on Monday (not that I think it will yield results). The thing is even if I go I am still terrifed as to what the vet will find and how much it will cost to fix it.
I love them so much but it’s so hard. Their living expenses exceed my own and I feel myself getting more and more in debt because of it. I’ve been looking for a new job but their problems come up so fast that not even the promise of a paycheck stops the bleeding in time. Because I’m bleeding money.
I love them they are living creatures and they’ve done me a lot of good. But the stress of every time and health crisis happens always cripples me. Now a days what happens is they seem to get better but then it spirals quickly usually within days of each other and then I burn out because I am the primary care taker elsewhere (that stresses much more stressed than the cats).
In 8 months there has been 6 vet visits. All yielding nothing and one time when I spent $210 on a treatment my cat would have been fine without.
I have them on a really good diet, have the best grooming tools, groom them daily, give them supplements whenever they need it, by all the right medical aids, I snuggle them plenty, play with them, even bathe them at times. But thays not enough to keep these two happy and healthy because genetically there’s just too much wrong.
Everytime, there’s one bandaid another problem comes up and it’s just one thin,g after another thing after, another thing. As a pet owner I have a responsibility to take care of these boys but owning two chronically ill pets is a very great responsibility, one that nearly crushes me.
I do all I can for them. Continue to do all I can for them but I need to ask myself when is enough enough? How can I at this point, ensure that the quality of their lives isn’t horrible? I want them to be happy and healthy but nothing seems to be working and I just feel like I’m all out of options.
I think over the years my perspective of our relationship has changed. I don’t think it will ever be ‘good’. However, you are a presence in my life I can’t remove. I want us to get along better. I want to be able to come to you in my good times and bad times and expect some sort of comfort but honestly? That isn’t the case, not even remotely. If I am going through a good time I can expect you to make it bad and if I have a bad time I can expect you to make it worse.
I’ve come to have no expectations of you period because you always let me down. If you don’t immediately, you find a way to throw it in my face later. Which is actually more painful. I’d rather you do nothing at all then act like you’ve done something good only to exploit me for it later.
You’ve profoundly affected my self-worth. In many ways I had to overcome you. Become something despite having you. You can be the meanest person if you want to be, recently, that’s been more often than not honestly.
I’m not that young innocent, impressionable girl anymore though. I realise that I am worth more than what you give me: I am not worthless. I have worth and a purpose. I wish that you could see that but you don’t. You probably never will if after 15 years of my life you not seeing that.
I have potential and talents. I’ve laid my life down for yours more times than I count. Truthfully, as an adult I can’t do that anymore. I love you. There’s no doubt about that. But you are so, so toxic. You make me toxic.
I don’t like who I am when I am around you, it’s just one battle after the other. Most times I can ignore you but sometimes I can’t and when I try to defend myself in a less offensive manner I just feel angry.
There’s a rage inside of me because of what you’ve done, what you haven’t done. But it’s not me who can resolve what you will or won’t do. I can only control myself when I am around you. Sometimes that’s more challenging than others.
Sadly, the best way for us to function is with distance. Because nothing is good enough for you, ever. It makes me feel worse the more I am around you. So distance is the only solution.
Nobody else understands why we are so toxic. They don’t see the you I’ve had to live with. They don’t understand that there is this cruel angry side to you that is beyond reproach.
I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I mess up. Sometimes I can be rather hard to deal with. But given the nature of our relationship I’d think you’d try to be supportive or take the high road. That’s NEVER happened. Maybe it’s a cultural difference. But even when I talk to you about something minor about the fact that you ignore me constantly, that you have for fifteen years, you roll your eyes. Or tell me how I am feeling.
I’ve never even been able to talk about the deeper parts of my pain because you won’t hear it. You don’t care. At least not enough to change anything to make things better. You don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Which simply isn’t the case.
I don’t care what anyone thinks but during all the impressionable years of my life you made me feel less than human. I had to work and work hard to build myself up again. The fact that I got there and was still, am still, frequently doing things for you without question, that I AM trying is more than you’ve ever done for me.
And I am angry and frustrated because there’s no fixing us.
You know what? I messed up. I can say that. I dropped the ball. I could’ve done more. I know that I messed up and I deal with the magnitude of what that messing up means. Now I need to … Continue reading
In the scheme of all that’s happened I think I lost myself a little bit. I have become more isolated than I would like to be because of whatever’s been going on. I’ve had to ask myself what can I … Continue reading
I don’t know why I am seeing you. I see you everywhere and it terrifies me to honest. Considering how much less I leave the house it’s terrifying that you are always, everywhere. No, not stalking just the universe’s cruel … Continue reading
