I Am Proud Of Myself.

I think that like other situations I could have resorted to old measures and just let you do your thing and acted like things were fine. But I’m not into that. I’m not anymore. Maybe last year I would’ve been more into acting like this situation was solely my fault for your sake because I felt bad for the personal struggle you are going through. But the thing is I am changing. It’s not that I don’t care but this has been 6 months. And it’s certainly not the first time we’ve been here before because of your behaviour.

I’ve always been so cautious never wanting to make the wrong move, or say the wrong. And it can be really hard walking the line of helpful or hurtful. But the whole thing is I think you’d argue or attack regardless, cause that’s just who you are now. So I was honest. You asked and I sent an honest synopsis of where we stand. The thing is I know there are lot of honest things I could say that would probably hurt you and that’s not my intention. But for the first time in a long time I expressed how I actually feel without fear of your retribution.

Based on your response I know I obviously stepped on some nerves. But to be honest? I am proud of myself. I am proud that I could actually be express that no this isn’t some superficial problem that’s going to be better by tomorrow. That we aren’t in the best place, and that we should accept that. The thing is is I am done forcing that things are perfect rhetoric. That we must hang out a certain number of times, or send a certain number of texts, to show things are good. They aren’t. So why must we act like they are? There are things that seriously need to be worked before things are better. And maybe you weren’t happy that I wasn’t acting like things are perfect. But they truly aren’t.

I am all for accepting, acknowledging, and apologizing for my roles in problems. However, I am not going to forge forward being the only one who does. I am not going to keep sweeping your behaviour under the rug because it simply isn’t okay. And just as you are making choices I am making my own…

I am proud of myself because for the first time in a long time I am being honest in a troublesome situation without running away like a coward, without avoiding conflict for taking sole custody of the problem. For the first time I am not just making myself accountable for this relationship but you too. For the first time I am not allowing myself to be someone else’s collateral. For the first time in a conflict situation I am taking care of me.

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Relationships Are Funny…

It’s funny how social relationships change over time. It’s funny how one second things can be great and the next second they are terrible. Or the reverse. Just a month ago I was beside myself over my relationship with my mum but this week at least things have been better than they have been in ages between us.

The funny thing is sometimes relationships are predictable. Like me and Jay are really predictable. I think sometimes things are great but I’ve known for the past 5 months that I’ve been getting really frustrated. Two weeks ago I had reason to not be in contact with people but you know I really haven’t been trying that hard and she hasn’t been at all really either. I think the whole thing with that (and I’d known) was that talking to her was not going to provide me with solace or anything positive really. And so after that conversation I haven’t talked to her. But haven’t minded that.

The funny thing about relationships. Is sometimes they flourish when you don’t really expect it. I find myself having people to talk to at work and have a good laugh with. Which I hadn’t expected because at my last job I had small talk but I couldn’t TALK to people really. And at this job the connections have come easier. Which is actually really nice. The thing is I’d say I’ve made work friends but I’m not sure these will extend outside of work yet. It’s certainly less lonely.

The funny thing about relationships is sometimes they don’t have to mean anything. They can be a fleeting interaction at work while dealing with a friendly customer. Or regard from a manager. That boost me up instead of tear me down. I didn’t realize how much I’ve needed that.

The funny thing about relationships is sometimes they can feel really nice. I mean I feel pretty a peace right now with the relationships in my life that’s something I haven’t been feeling in a while just because of how bad my stress was and how isolated I was.

The funny thing is it’s getting a job that has forced me to leave my own personal space several times a week that made me realize just how much I missed socially interacting with others. And forging relationships.

This is Nostalgic

Me waking up to study overnight is rather nostalgic of my undergraduate. To be honest though part of me is happy that this is even a possibility at all. I’ve been unable to study at night for years now since my chronic fatigue ramped up in severity. I think the only reason it’s even possible tonight is because I can finally afford SOME of the medications that have been prescribed to me…the difference isn’t huge but it’s enough that I am functional enough to go to work, get house work done, and tonight I could put in an hour (maybe I can get another one or two) done of studying. Which is better than I have been able to say for myself in ages.

It’s a little reassuring. The thing is at least now I know I can resume with some of my specialists since I can afford my medications (there’s only one more for me to get). And if I take them for a few months I will at least be able to have a better handle on my PCOS. It would mean a lot to me if I could get my fatigue under better control because I would definitely be able to get a lot more done and I would feel more confident about my choice in career; as well as, my ability to keep up with school.

I think just knowing that I have the option to do things I set out for myself originally without having to worry about if I could do it physically would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. But at this time all I can really do is make sure I take the medications, go to the appointments, and see if this time I am taken seriously if things DON’T improve as much as they should. This is the basic foundation in figuring things out with me health wise and from here at least I can see what my options are if they don’t work.

I Don’t Know Where This Headed But I Can’t Let It Cripple Me…

It’s been hard. I have had to learn to basically be without confidant in recent months. I thought that talking about our problems would maybe help. Because I really was considering just walking away from it all. But I decided that it wouldn’t be fair of me to do that to you. We’ve been friends for too long, and you’ve done too much for me to just walk away without trying. I tried talking but I was holding back and so were you. The whole thing is there are things that I don’t think it would help to talk about though. There are just some things you can’t ‘work out’.

The whole crux of the problems we’ve had is that you can’t be happy for me. Not truly. It’s like for the first time in two years my life is looking up and I am not where I want to be. Nor have I faced the biggest obstacle. However, you don’t see that. You don’t seem to care about my struggles anymore because a few things in my life are better you are jealous. You’ve constantly expressed that, dragging me down. Part of me gets so angry. You’re mad about silly things that you DO have control over so it floors me a little. I am expressing myself more and you resent that. I am doing a little better and it causes you to tailspin.

I don’t understand it…why can’t I do better in my own life? I have always wanted best for you. I don’t care if you get there before me. I want you to be happy. But it seems when I inch forward it seems to be threatening to you. Why should that be? Why is that in order to you feel better I need to be failing?

I just want to be happy too. I have had a really difficult life and for 15 years I haven’t known how to live my life happily without the weight of my familial struggle. You’ve had it hard too. That was what we were able to empathize about. You were the first person who CARED about me. Who TALKED to me. You TREATED me like a person who mattered. I honestly, think that had I not met you I probably never would have made it to adulthood. I attribute so much to you. I’ve appreciated you so much. I am closer to you more than my own family. And you know me better than anyone else. I will always be in your debt.

It’s not that we’ve had an easy run. We’ve definitely had our struggles. But honestly, if it wasn’t you I would have high-tailed it a long time ago. I’m sure you would have done the same.

I can’t help but feel hurt. I can’t talk to you because you don’t care anymore. I don’t even know if you are capable of caring anymore. But you get mad for me not talking to you. How can I though. It hurts me. When I am hurting and I’ve needed you, you always let me down. I end up more upset than before I tried reaching to you. I’d honestly be in pain and wait for it to start than add a whole new element of pain to the situation.

Yet, you still talk like things are normal. You still expect me to be 100% for you. And I can’t anymore. I still haven’t decided if I can stay with you. Because at the end of the day I can’t hold you close in the capacity I have. I need you at an arms length at least.

I want you to be happy. But it’s clear to me that my successes aren’t something you can be happy for. Not truly. You can lie to yourself and say you are happy for me. But the truth is it makes you more upset when I am doing well. And it makes you hurtful. I can’t hold myself back forever. I deserve happiness, I deserve to treat myself with respect and love. It’s become clear that those things are no longer synonymous with our friendship anymore.

This isn’t the end. It hurts. But it seems the next step is more distance, independence, and rediscovery. I have no idea where you will fit in my life when I do hit the big milestones. I just don’t know where you fit in anymore.

I honestly wish it was that simple…

I honestly wish that the conversation we had would have fixed things. But I knew I was holding back and you were too. Which is why some of the same old things are still there. And to be honest? I did more of the talking I put myself out there more. And even though you denied certain things I can see now that I wasn’t wrong about something of the things I was thinking.

It’s like there was a can of worms opening there, that neither of us totally wanted to confront but it’s still right in our faces. The thing is I can’t act forever and pretend that the way you act doesn’t bother me. I can’t act like it doesn’t already fall into insecurities I have and I feel better knowing that I at least tried expressing it to you.

I feel better when I know that I am trying to fix things but if things can be resolved then at least I could say that I gave it a shot. But lately I’m not feeling all that optimistic.

I don’t know. I think you think we’ll just move through life together forever. But I don’t really think that will be our reality.Sure we have similarities but we also have differences. And I honestly don’t want to continue being treated this way.

I know you can’t control your mood affect but that only feels like an excuse by this point. You reject everything new. You’re so angry and pessimistic and often times you project that on others so that they cannot enjoy new and exciting things that are happening.

I am honestly tired of the assumptions you make about me. You have to bash my decisions to me and others while simultaneously complaining about jealousy. And when you go to extents like this it makes me regret telling you anything at all.

Even with us deciding to have more open dialogue I find myself frustrated because it’s mostly been you telling me not to talk about things. I think I’m not wrong when I say you aren’t intrested in thing that I say because I am not an idiot. If you text, roll your eyes, or play games when we talk you aren’t invested. I’m really not the type to waste my time around people who don’t want to spend time with me and I guess I’m just done with it all. I’m done talking to you about things. Totally.

I’ve really tried this month and after our conversation to fix some of what is broken. But I can’t do it on my own and I won’t sensor everything I say forever either. I don’t want to tiptoe around life to make you feel better about yourself for every aspect of my life either.

I guess for once the roles are reversed because I don’t think our problems will be fixed, you just think I’ll stick around forever, and I know that I can’t be if things don’t change.

So I don’t know maybe we will have a few more conversations. Maybe I will try to talk it out a little more. But I know that I am getting close to my limit. I’m seriously tired being the only one who’s putting effort in despite knowing that we both know that there are issues going on. Yet I am the only one whose modifying my behaviour, going out of my way to talk to you, and honestly I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore…