I don’t know why I see you everywhere, is this the universe’s cruel joke or something?

I don’t know why I am seeing you.  I see you everywhere and it terrifies me to honest. Considering how much less I leave the house it’s terrifying that you are always, everywhere. No, not stalking just the universe’s cruel joke to have you of all people seeing me at my best, my worst, and whatever else.

This isn’t that Serendipity where two people run into each other and it’s fate. Whether it’s hell or high water I see you now legs work to get me the hell away.

We were never friends. And apart from a 2 week crush in which I got pretty crushed…No I didn’t ask you out. Three of my friends liked you at the time and my sense of loyalty was too much to do anything. I still remember my bestfriend’s face when I thought that I maybe had a crush on you. I think you were my first in person crush, crush. Okay maybe if I felt an inkling from you maybe there may have been something but you basically cut me apart.

All I wanted was to try to be nice. Maybe even be friends. We had common friends and common interests. But you seemed to have an impression of me, a terrible one. That was going around that year so I don’t blame you. But unprovoked you attacked me so many times. I think it was the first time I tried to be nice to someone and felt them retaliate like that. At least not from a boy I barely knew. An older well adjusted boy. Girls can be catty but they usually don’t blow up at you when you ask them how they are when they look down.

And that year things snowballed. Because everything that my friends did seemed to be my fault even though after that 2 week crush I basically realized you could be hostile and I didn’t want to be in your trajectory. It amazed me how something, someone I didn’t know would do something and you would glare at me. Or when Jay would joke about something and you’d literally made me feel like the worst person in the world.

I think I may have even cried because I just couldn’t understand why you would think I could be so cruel? I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’d made so many mistakes that year. But I was a teenager that’s what they DO.

Everyone thought you were the cool one. The older, awesome friend. I wanted to look up to you but you looked at me like I was a pile of literal flaming poop. Even though I tried to be nice to you. There have been a few times when someone I’ve looked up thought nothing of me. But that was my first experience with it and it was hard because even in uni everyone knew who you were.

All my guy friends looked up to you. I had to tell my friend at the time that you wanted to set me on fire. She didn’t believe me until Jay confirmed it. Because Jay is the rational one. But she confirmed.

I don’t know what started the hostility but when people say someone is “the nicest ever” and is “the best ever” and they look like they want to spit on you it’s kind of like “Umm is it me? It has to be me right?”

Don’t get me wrong sometimes you just meet someone and dislike them.

I think what makes this worse was this town is tiny. I see you ALL the time. In second year you tried to say ‘hi’ I think and I ran for the literal hills. I am not subtle. I can try but I get this panicked look on my face that I can’t wipe off my face for a few minutes.

But everytime I see you I literally jump a little, my body tenses, and I look for the nearest exit and if I can’t I tend to try and hide my face.

Part of me is like “you are 24 you aren’t 17”. He lives in your neighborhood you will have to see him. I don’t know if I need to like woman up and wave or like say hi, or just smile. Because honestly I don’t want to give you this power over me.

I hear you tell me “I’m a vindictive malicious person” everytime I see you because of that one time when I asked if, you were okay because you were crying. Yup, that’ll end a crush. But you know what? I’m not a vindictive malicious person. Sometimes I can be passive and when I was a teenager I could be passive-aggressive but I wasn’t mean and I never tried to be a mean person. Certainly, not in the capacity you believed me to be.

I mean I think back to those times and part my brain expects you to say something horrible if I capture your attention. That being said I don’t think I’d have no problem saying “f*** you” if you did. Because I never did anything ever to deserve the words you had for me. I know that now.

I can’t run from someone who said mean things unprovoked though. Maybe you were just an angsty teen, maybe you are still a jerk, but I don’t want to give you any power over me or think about how terrible you thought I was to make that year for me that bad. I’m not letting this continue anymore though.